Pilot

KOLD is a new serialized comedy podcast about aging, nostalgia, and big, goofy dreams. 
In this episode, Eleanor dreams of finding millions of listeners for her station, KOLD Radio, and bringing 1940s-style radio dramas back to the mainstream. But right now, she's only losing money, listeners, and broadcasters. It's her last chance to save the station, so she's throwing together everyone she has left, including science reporter Poppy, actor Beibo, and young foley artist Walt; bringing in Celtic music diva Mary and her husband/manager Joe as potential investors; and asking them to listen to an epic radio drama about Brock and Sonya's dystopian romance, complete with advertising jingles. But will she be able to handle the difficult personalities of talented people, and the mysterious plans of the Narrator? 

Thank you for taking a chance on our very first pilot episode. Podcasting is an enriching, but new experience for all of us in the creative team, so this is a work in progress. Future episodes will be more polished!

KOLD is written, mixed, and directed by Isabelle Rogers, with tech support by Tim Rogers and music by Val Haynes. The cast for this episode is: 

Scott Barkhurst as Joe

Tray Hammond as Beibo Suncloud 

Greg Havton as Victor 

Pamela Lehan-Siegel as Mary

Aimee Manley as Katy

Mary McCoy as Narrator

Emma Paulini as Poppy Valley

Thor Rogers as Walter Kay

Dante Thanhardt as Maximiliano 

Adrienne West as Eleanor Krakaufsky

Transcript

SFX: A door opening. Feet stepping in. Eerie creaking and bones cracking.

NARRATOR
There is a little-known college town that happens to be vital to my story, through no merit of its own. A place where emerald greens and cloudy grays coexist. In this town, on a dull rainy fall morning, Eleanor Krakaufsky walked into the third best radio station in ten miles. By the way she clutched her lapel, she looked nervous. She looked like she was waiting for something.

ELEANOR
Hello? Great, just when I’m trying to impress guests, we’re infested  with eerie sounds? No, I refuse. Today can’t start like this. HELLO?

SFX:A ghost sound.

ELEANOR
Oh, and now there’s a ghost too.
Wait-

SFX: Eleanor flicks on the lights. 

WALT
SURPRISE, MISS ELEANOR!

ELEANOR
WHAT KIND OF SURPRISE IS THIS?..Oh dear, you’re- your voice is- You’re a frequent caller! Why are you here? Sitting in the dark? At six AM?

WALT
You don’t remember me, Miss Eleanor? I showed up early for my  new internship!

ELEANOR
Your- Oh. You’re Walter Kay! 

WALT
Why do you sound so surprised? I won the email-in foley contest for  my “14 camels trying to navigate a raging sandstorm” from “Archeologist Angus’ Ancient Adventures”! It was done entirely  with practical effects, no digital manipulation at all! Grand prize: an all-expenses paid internship at my second favorite place in the world, KOLD Radio! 

ELEANOR
And a $10 hardware store gift card. So technically not an unpaid  internship. Welcome, Walter! I simply hadn’t matched up  the name on the email contest with your voice - since you usually just call in as “Wacky W”. 

WALT
Yeah. “Hey guys, it’s Wacky W here!”

ELEANOR
Then you say: “Always fantastic to talk to my friends over the radio  waves! My question is:”

WALT
Miss Eleanor, you actually memorized what I say? No way!

ELEANOR
I did, Walter, because you’ve been calling every day for a year. Even  at Christmas, when you asked our science correspondent: “What’s the chemical formula for a perfect Christmas Day?” In fact, you  always seem to have a very innocent view of life - How old are you?

WALT
15 and 3/4, Miss Eleanor. How old are you? Is your birthday coming  up? Because I totally wanted this to be a birthday surprise, too- I  was even performing the foley from your favorite show, ”Horrible Happenings At Hawser Manor”!

SFX: Walt repeats the ghost sound.

ELEANOR
Well, you’ll learn over time not to ask me questions like “how old  are you?” - but today is even more important than my birthday! You  didn’t have to come at the crack of dawn on Saturday, but I’m very  grateful for your enthusiasm.  Because today, we make good on my  impulsive decisions.

WALT
You’re too professional for those! Maybe you thought they were impulsive, but really they were brilliant business moves.

ELEANOR
Speaking of business - Walter, before the flood of employees rushes in, could you do a special job for me? Could you write some jingles?

WALT
Jingles?

ELEANOR
I’m- I’ve been striking some deals. To stay on as part of our  programming, our advertisers would like free, catchy, guaranteed-to- work jingles. They would play all the time, like the cigarette ads in radio dramas from the 50s! Except they won’t be for cigarettes because we have morals. Hmm?

WALT
But I’m your Foley Intern! I’m not a composer! You want something  like... MATTRESS LAND!? That takes real genius!


ELEANOR
No, anyone can do it! Except me. Because I tried, and I ended up  with... Werner’s Mortuaaary!

WALT
Oh, brilliant! Makes me feel like someone’s on my side through the burial process!

ELEANOR
Uh-huh. I wasn’t even trying to plagiarize. Carmen’s Tattoos, ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch! Servin’ those big stacks, Al’s Pancake House!

WALT
Why are they all insurance companies?

ELEANOR
I spent two hours on that last one. So I’ve set the bar nice and low for you. Enjoy! 

WALT
But why are they asking for free jingles? Are they taking advantage of your kindness?

ELEANOR
Well, um, yes, Walter. Back to work!

WALT
Yes, Miss Eleanor. 

NARRATOR
A few, extremely boring, hours passed at the station. Eleanor was making phone calls to advertisers, but her disgruntled face showed  she had lied to Walt. The advertisers were tired of throwing money into a bottomless pit, and were indeed being kind to her. But she wasn’t going to tell that to her only listener under 65. 

SFX: A rotary phone dialing.

ELEANOR
Hello, this is Eleanor Krakaufsky of KOLD Radio!...Who's speaking?...Well, Mr. Cook, I've already spoken to five of your  partners, but I just wanted to remind you that ad space is still wide open, and we now have a resident marketing professional,  specializing in jingles!...Again, my name's Eleanor, not “babe”...Oh,  30 second ads are only $200!...Yes, you may pay with an Amoco Torch Club Card as long as it still works...I’m not sure what my  marital status has to do with this transaction, but thank you anyway... Goodbye!

SFX: Eleanor hangs up.

ELEANOR
Finally. Waaalter, we’re keeping another advertiser! I need a jingle for the law office of Ziffrin, Brittenham, Bronca-Fisher, Gilbert- Luri, and Cook. I just had to get to the last, and loneliest, partner. 

WALT
This is hard, Miss Eleanor. How’s this: Al’s Pancake House, Al’s Pancake House, Pancake Pancake-

ELEANOR
It’s Meow Mix. Sorry.

SFX: Walt blows air out of his cheeks. The outer doors unlock and re-lock, and a skateboard and pair of roller skates roll in.

POPPY
I mean, like, based on the vibe I get, I don’t think she’s bankrupt yet...

BEIBO
But it’s never too late to scroll through LinkedIn aimlessly and feel inferior, right?

POPPY
Inferior? Most of the people on there majored in bullshitting! I  actually know things! 

BEIBO
Pff. STEM major.

ELEANOR
Aha! Our flood of employees has rolled in! And what are they  talking about?

SFX:The wheels stop.

BEIBO
...Bankruptcy. Just in general.

POPPY
Yeah, nothing specific. 

ELEANOR
I’m grateful. Poppy, Beibo, this is Walter Kay.

WALT
Oooooh! What an honor! What a rush! Hosts of No More Pseudoscience with Poppy, and Beibo here with every single voice on the Radio Drama Hour!

BEIBO
Walt! Finally you’re not just a disembodied voice! 

WALT
I could say the same to you! 

POPPY
I feel like we’re friends already! You’re like the only guy who calls in! 

BEIBO
Unless they’re calling to ask that we bring the soft rock back.  Apparently we used to play the Grateful Dead?

WALT
And- where’s the rest of the flood of employees, Miss Eleanor? I  mean, I guess at this point, it’s more like the trickle that comes out of my faucet when I don’t close it really hard - but where’s Conall Kaleo, renowned news broadcaster and dee-jay? And Aura Arroyos with Venga! The Spanish language hour? I always listen to it because that’s how language immersion works, right? At some point, my brain will just translate everything like a Babel Fish! Swimming happily, because I  immersed it in Spanish!

BEIBO
(to Poppy)
I really wanna live in his world.

ELEANOR
Um, to continue our water metaphors, Walter, you’re describing a splash in the baby pool, not language immersion. Immersion is more like when you almost drown someone, then pull them out at the last second. My time in Peru with Adolfito proved that. In fact, you know what happened to me there?

WALT
Where are Aura and Conall, Miss Eleanor?

ELEANOR
You don’t want to hear about how I kept excitedly telling servers in  restaurants how salty their food was because I got the words mixed  up?

WALT
Did they leave too?

POPPY
Aura got a better job at the dump. It had, like, benefits! 

WALT
Ohh, like getting to take home whatever trash you want?

ELEANOR
More like health insurance, Walter. And at the dump she doesn’t get any call-ins asking her to go back to where she came from.

WALT
Oh no! ‘Cause she’s already where they want her to be - down in the dumps! Ba dum chh. 

BEIBO
Hands-down the saddest pun I’ve ever heard. 

ELEANOR
Yes, we have been losing our radio professionals in the last few months. They get to do the job they love, they’re happy as clams,  and then eventually they choose money and comfort over passion.  But I’m not bitter! I have all of you! And we’re going to completely  turn things around!

WALT
And you have Conall...? He’s still here, right? He’s a legend in the independent radio broadcasting community!

ELEANOR
On the air every day since he was 10 years old. Well, he left in a huff yesterday, so we’ll see if he breaks his streak.

SFX: From right behind the door, voices emanate. Joe huffs and puffs.

NARRATOR
Behind the KOLD Radio front door stood - well, I can’t even say it!  The most exquisite musician in history and-

JOE
I’ll get the door for ya, luv!

NARRATOR
This goof. I’ve never felt that he deserved her. Her husband and  manager. 

MARY
Ahh, I see, now ya tink I’m too elderly and feeble to open my own  door?

SFX: Mary jiggles the door.

JOE
Well, can ya open it?

SFX: Mary continues to pull on the doorknob, frustrated.

ELEANOR
Oh no no no no no. We’re not ready!

WALT
Is that Conall doing his accents again?

MARY
I don’t tink this door deserves me. Joe, ya said on the road trip, we’d stop off for a big event in a broadcasting corporation, on the West Coast. An' when ya said West Coast, I tought Hollywood. I didn't tink of some manky little radio station in bloody Orygun!

JOE
Well, luv, it's an investment! I tought I'd invest a million or so in this radio station, and we could get a 10 or 20 percent return!

MARY
A million! A million of my hard-earned dollars, of my sweat and  tears! All to pay for that bleedin’ "investing" you've been doin' in that dodgy old basement!

JOE
Luv, that's our World Headquarters down there, that's business! Just business!

MARY
Ah, me arse an' Katty Barry! You can call it whatever ya like!

ELEANOR
That is not Conall, it’s my people! It’s my investors!

WALT
Cool!

POPPY
So, like, we’re gonna open the door for them now? Because I locked  it.

JOE
Huuh, I swear this’ll be worth our time, luv! 

MARY
Then why’s the door locked? It should be one o’ those slidin’ doors like at the Hilton Hotel! I require those at any institution at which I’m a guest!

JOE
That’s rich for a common busker from Dublin! 

MARY
What’d you say? Stop actin’ the maggot and open the door!

JOE
But, luv, I think th’ doors in America work different.

ELEANOR
Ohhhhh - well, I can’t let them down, but I have to because you  don’t have any idea what we’re doing! We are reinventing the station tonight, you understand?We are putting on a show for my  investors, Mary and Joe. Do you want to know how I got the legendary last-name-free Irish singer Mary to take a chance on our  station? I’m only going to tell you once: pure desperation. 

BEIBO
Whoa, it’s Mary?

MARY
I hate this place, I do! I just know I hate it already!

ELEANOR
I picked up all the old records and tapes we had, and I called the label of every one asking if they would support us. And they were the only ones who actually picked up! So we’re showing them a good time, with our new format. So many shows we used to have are gone, so what’ll fill the time? We’re bringing Old Time Radio Dramas back to the mainstream- and you two will play the leading roles!

POPPY
Like, Beibo and I? You know I’m a biologist, right?

ELEANOR
You aren’t what you study, Poppy. Something deep inside you is crying out to be Sonya Sommers.

POPPY
Uhhhhh... 

BEIBO
Hey, this could be fun...

NARRATOR
Eleanor handed the three whippersnappers crumpled scripts typed on bright pink paper. They weren’t appealing. And I felt so mad at her for making Mary wait! 

WALT
And what’ll I do?

ELEANOR
Foley! Write and perform jingles! Make sure you aren’t plagiarizing! Now everyone, stand somewhere and look busy!

WALT
Yes, Miss Eleanor! Al’s Pancake House, Al’s Pancake House...

NARRATOR
Eleanor bolted to the door and finally unlocked it.

SFX: Unlocking and opening the door. Mary and Joe walk in.

ELEANOR
Hello! Hello, and welcome to KOLD Radio!

BEIBO
Yeah, it won’t be hard to look busy, since you’ve just given me new pages with absolutely no warning! 

POPPY
You’re actually worried?

BEIBO
Dude, does she have no standards? I won’t have time to make a character profile or a beat sheet- who even is this Brock Austin guy?

POPPY
I’ve never even read a script and you want to make this professional? Like, I bet our lab rats can act better than I can. 

BEIBO
I’m just excited to have a scene partner for once. 

MARY
Hello. Grand to meet you, I suppose.

JOE
Yes, it is. She means it is grand to meet you.

NARRATOR
That’s true, but “grand” means “fine, ok”. It’s brilliant Irish code. 

MARY
This looks like the kind of kip Joe tried to put me in when I recorded my first album!

ELEANOR
Oh, well, it’s charming and yes, you could even say it reminds you  of the past! We’re trying to take people back to 40s and 50s old-time radio, like one big time machine...!

MARY
Are ya sayin’ I recorded my first album in the 1950s? You’re going  to start off by takin’ the piss?

JOE
To be fair, you did start off that way with her!

BEIBO
Uhh, who’s taking who’s piss?

POPPY
I mean, rats. Female rats use urine to mark attractive male rats. But, like, Mary’s talking about making fun of people. Who is she anyway?

BEIBO
Ah, she’s Mary! Just- Mary! You have to be kind of a Celtic music nerd to like her stuff, but once you’re into it, you’re in for life. She has a voice like molasses! Oh and she was part of Pagan Female for, like, 14 years.

POPPY
...The group of angelically singing pageant queens/Disney  princesses who play at all the regional concert halls constantly for some reason?

MARY
(to Eleanor)
You expect us to sit here an’ listen for TWO HOURS? I’m not biding my time in the nursing home waitin’ to die like your  listeners! 

BEIBO
Yeah, it’s hard to believe she was one of them.

MARY
What was that? I have perfect hearing as well as pitch, y’know!

ELEANOR
Oh! Oh, Mary, Joe, ah, these are the two playing the lovers in our  little radio play we'll be showing you... Beibo Suncloud and Poppy  Valley.

POPPY
Lovers?

BEIBO
Well I’ve skimmed the script and that does seem like an accurate description...

JOE
Ah, young love. We were just like you, my wife and I, once upon a time.

POPPY
We're not in love! 

BEIBO
Nah, we just play romantic partners in the play-

POPPY
Or whatever we’re doing. I was, like, roped into this whole thing.

ELEANOR
Shhh! Poppy!

MARY
'Cept I was more of a cracker than that little girl. And I'm sure I had  a better voice...

JOE
Ah, you were deadly, luv. An' Mary, have ya forgotten about my  chiseled looks, my biceps, my-

MARY
I've been tryin' to forget.

POPPY
I know what you mean! I don't like big muscles on men... They may be evolutionarily advantageous, but they’re all bulge-y and gross.

JOE
And that's why you picked  him?

BEIBO
I've - I've got some bulge-y things...

POPPY
Yeah. I mean, we're friends, but yeah.

BEIBO
Yeah?

MARY
Anyway, luv, you know I could outsing that youngwan right here,  right now.

JOE
Ahh, you could out-anything her, luv...

MARY
Thank you, Joe.

JOE
It, uh, wasn't necessarily... a compliment.

MARY
Listen, you want career advice in yer actin’ careers from the Legendary Mary? Here’s a wee tip: don't get married. It ruins everything.

NARRATOR
Mary turned on her heel and flounced away, as if she were still wearing her emerald green dress from Pagan Female, instead of orthopedic shoes, khakis and a Bedazzled blouse. 

JOE
I suppose we agree to disagree on that one. 

BEIBO
That was harsh!

POPPY
Good thing we’re not actually in love. 

NARRATOR
Eleanor and Joe followed Mary like little corgis, trying to attract her  attention again. 

ELEANOR
Well, wasn’t that a lovely chat! Now, let me introduce you to  another member of our team, Wa-

MARY
Eleanor, you claim to be a business professional. So why do I feel like you’re stallin’? Why haven’t we got on with this grand radio show?

ELEANOR
I’m not stalling, I want you to meet our whole team, on a personal level, before- 

MARY
But why would I want that? Why did I even come to this dump? Joe promised me a talented bunch of professionals who would reinvent my career, but I got a heap of chiselers making a bags of it instead. You’re waitin’ for your star, aren’t ya?

ELEANOR
Um. Conall Kaleo, he is sort of the glue that holds everything  together. I’m sure he’s just stuck in traffic-

JOE
Huuh, traffic? Here? That’s a good one! Mary, she is funny!

MARY
Stop waitin’. Your star is here, but you’re about to lose her if you don’t show her somethin’ deadly. I’m far too important for you lot. And before anyone loses me for good, I like to show ‘em everything they’re gonna miss.  Let's have a song!

ELEANOR
Mary, there’s no reason to give up on us already- wait, what do you  mean?

MARY
Little laddie?

WALT
Me? 

MARY
Yes, you! Get me the most sparkly microphone you have!

ELEANOR
No, Walt, that won’t be- 

NARRATOR
Walt had to follow the older woman with the most authority in the room. He dashed into the booth, found a blue pastel sequin-dusted  microphone hooked up in the corner, dragged it out and handed it to  Mary. In the meantime, our dazzling star emptied out her purse. Face creams, travel-size whiskey, earbuds, mints, and an extra extra large compact spilled onto the floor before she found...

MARY
Walt, is it? Use this sheet music and play one of those instruments back there! 

WALT
Miss Mary - I can’t read music!

MARY
Oh. Well, just give me an E, laddie!

POPPY
Beibo, she just keeps random sheet music in her bag? What kind of  emergencies do you need random sheet music for?

JOE
Ah, you'd be surprised, lass. It comes in awfully handy for pubs,  uncomfortable family reunions, karaoke bars, strolls at the beach, you know...

SFX: The backing instrumentals for Mo Ghile Mear begin.

NARRATOR
The dull florescent lights still beat down on them, but Mary swept to the center of the room and stood her tallest - which is exactly 5’ 3”. I  wasn’t there, but if I were I undoubtedly would have felt the station ripple and transform into a stage with one shining spotlight... 

MARY
Sé mo laoch mo Ghile Mear
‘Sé mo Chaesar, Ghile Mear,
Suan ná séan ní bhfuaireas féin
Ó chuaigh i gcéin mo Ghile Mear.
Bímse buan ar buaidhirt gach ló,
Ag caoi go cruaidh ’s ag tuar na ndeór
Mar scaoileadh uaim an buachaill beó
’s ná ríomhtar tuairisc uaidh, mo bhrón
Sé mo laoch mo Ghile Mear
‘Sé mo Chaesar, Ghile Mear,
Suan ná séan ní bhfuaireas féin
Ó chuaigh i gcéin mo Ghile Mear.

SFX: Beat, then uncertain clapping. Beibo and Joe sniffle.

BEIBO AND POPPY
Wow. 

WALT
That was wonderful, Miss Mary. 

ELEANOR
Yes, it was something. 

MARY
Thank you. I mean - thanks for nothing - but... thanks for  listening anyway. 

JOE
My wife's a national treasure, ya know?

MARY
How come you never tell me that, ya stupid... caffler?

JOE
Took you a while to come up with the insult that time, luv! 

MARY
Cos you’re just that indescribable!

JOE
Indescribably lovely, I agree.

ELEANOR
So, Mary, surely you’re glad to be here with a community of people who appreciate your-

SFX: The phone rings from inside the booth (the booth door is open).

ELEANOR
Artistry. Excuse me, let me just take that. 

NARRATOR
It was a call-in! But why? Eleanor looked insecure as usual, dashing  into the booth and answering the call. 

SFX: Eleanor sits down. The click of her microphone as the following goes out on air.

ELEANOR
This is Eleanor Krakaufsky, Managing Director of KOLD Radio,  and you, my friend, are on air. 

KATY
Oh. My. God. I’m sorry- I can barely word-

VICTOR
Maybe I can say it better- WE JUST HEARD THE LEGENDARY MARY! PERFORMING LIVE ON AIR!

MAXIMILIANO
I can’t believe it! 

ALL MARY’S FANS
I DON’T KNOW WHAT MY FEELINGS ARE DOING!!

PETUNIA
So we looked up your address and we’re on our way! To see the goddess of music! Live! In the flesh! 

VICTOR
I really cannot believe the station didn’t publicize this better.

KATY
PAGAN FEMALE FOREVER! 

PETUNIA
I’m gonna bring every album for you to sign- and my arms- and my  dog-

SFX: Click. Eleanor takes them off the air. Off air, so it sounds different, Joe and Mary:

JOE
The crazy ones are back, luv.

MARY
I was on air?! I think my manager promised me anonymity on this trip!

JOE
Huuh, I couldn’t have expected that Eleanor would foul that up.  She’s tryin’ her best, but it is all a bit gammy. 

ELEANOR
(on air)
Well, that’s enough of that. Let me remind you that though we are broadcasting, the station is CLOSED!

NARRATOR
That’s what she thought. But I, Petunia Stonebury, President of the Mary’s Mysteries Fan Club, Editor of the MM Fanzine and Fan Site,  author of the forthcoming Mary-Ography, would team up with my  friends to stage the most maniacal lock picking in history - all in the name of devotion to music, and to the Mary from the past we know and love - whether or not the Mary of today wanted it to happen!