Finally! KOLD Episode 5 is here, bringing Season 1 to a close. Eleanor controls her controlling behavior. The surprising conclusion to The Amazing Adventures of Brock and Sonya involves a lot of Segways, Ultraball, and a little emotional wreckage. Brock and Sonya's romance leaps off the page. Somehow, James Taylor involves himself in the workings of the station. But will all this be in sync with the beat of Mary's heart?
KOLD is written, mixed, and directed by Isabelle Rogers, with tech support by Tim Rogers and music by Val Haynes. Season 2 will return in the next months! The cast for this episode is:
Scott Barkhurst as Joe
Bill Furtick as Conall Kaleo
Tray Hammond as Beibo Suncloud
Pamela Lehan-Siegel as Mary
Emma Paulini as Poppy Valley
Isabelle Rogers as Narrator/Petunia Stonebury
Thor Rogers as Walter Kay
Adrienne West as Eleanor Krakaufsky
Many thanks to Claude Offenbacher as James Taylor!
"KOLD Theme" performed by Emma Paulini. "Turbo Shark" written by Val Haynes and Isabelle Rogers, performed by Thor Rogers and Emma Paulini. "Buille Mo Chroí (The Beat Of My Heart)" written by John Spillane, here covered by Pamela Lehan-Siegel. Guitar on that song by the talented Mark Haynes, accordion by the talented Kees Schoone.
Find the Creative Commons music and SFX used in the episode in the transcript! Grateful to the creators of those pieces, and to https://freesound.org/ and https://freemusicarchive.org/home
Finally! KOLD Episode 5 is here, bringing Season 1 to a close. Eleanor controls her controlling behavior. The surprising conclusion to The Amazing Adventures of Brock and Sonya involves a lot of Segways, Ultraball, and a little emotional wreckage. Brock and Sonya's romance leaps off the page. Somehow, James Taylor involves himself in the workings of the station. But will all this be in sync with the beat of Mary's heart?
KOLD is written, mixed, and directed by Isabelle Rogers, with tech support by Tim Rogers and music by Val Haynes. Season 2 will return in the next months! The cast for this episode is:
Scott Barkhurst as Joe
Bill Furtick as Conall Kaleo
Tray Hammond as Beibo Suncloud
Pamela Lehan-Siegel as Mary
Emma Paulini as Poppy Valley
Isabelle Rogers as Narrator/Petunia Stonebury
Thor Rogers as Walter Kay
Adrienne West as Eleanor Krakaufsky
Many thanks to Claude Offenbacher as James Taylor!
"KOLD Theme" performed by Emma Paulini. "Turbo Shark" written by Val Haynes and Isabelle Rogers, performed by Thor Rogers and Emma Paulini. "Buille Mo Chroí (The Beat Of My Heart)" written by John Spillane, here covered by Pamela Lehan-Siegel. Guitar on that song by the talented Mark Haynes, accordion by the talented Kees Schoone.
Find the Creative Commons music and SFX used in the episode in the transcript! Grateful to the creators of those pieces, and to https://freesound.org/ and https://freemusicarchive.org/home
POPPY (singing)
KOLD, KOLD...
NARRATOR
Finally! Welcome back to KOLD - for the final episode of Season 1! I, Petunia Stonebury, have updated you on the situation at our tiny little radio station in Springfield, Oregon, in the past... but hey, the Previously sections are often the best part of the show for me, so I’m going to do one for you here. You can skip 30 seconds ahead. I won’t mind. Eleanor, the detail-oriented, anxious, and secretly romantic manager of KOLD Radio, has mounted a mission to convince the legendary Mary and less legendary Joe to invest in the station. But it hasn’t gone smoothly, being marked by apathy and unprofessionalism, a script-sabotage scheme by the well-intentioned Walt, the impossibility of living in the past, the disconnect between Conall Kaleo and his voice, and, well, incursions by mega-fans of Mary’s music like me. Sorry. After last episode’s quick glimpse into biologist Poppy’s holiday radio show, holiday loneliness, and holiday unresolved feelings about relaxed actor Beibo Suncloud, the pressure is on to stick the landing on Eleanor’s radio play creation, “The Amazing Adventures of Brock and Sonya”, which was previously taken over by Conall’s metaphorical film noir writing. One small problem: he killed off the protagonist Sonya Winters. And now, let’s jump into the action 24 hours before Mary and Joe’s plane touches down at our tiny, mediocrely charming airport. I was making the final touches to the marzipan Mary and Joe at the top of the cake I’d baked for their return.
SFX: The outer door opens. "Door, Front, Opening, A.wav" by InspectorJ (www.jshaw.co.uk) of Freesound.org https://freesound.org/people/InspectorJ/sounds/431117/
BEIBO
Hey, Petunia!
PETUNIA
Happy New Year, Beibo! I need an outside opinion... If I add fondant depictions of all of Mary’s albums to the sides of the cake, will it be too much?
BEIBO
Oh no! Cover that puppy with fondant. I love that stuff. Over the break, I watched 55 hours of Holiday Baking Championship and my brain completely leaked out of my ears.
PETUNIA
What I mean is, I don’t want to make her think I’m trying too hard. I already have her trust! And I’m going to write the AUTHORIZED biography! Did I tell you about that yet?
BEIBO
Yes, but spill the details! Did she tell you what touring was like for her? Did you get to read her diary?
POPPY
Beibo! Did you - how were - like, Canada? And I wanted to - well - how great was that song? I mean - like, how was your great-great-aunt?
PETUNIA
Let me get some blue food coloring. I’ll update you on the Mary gossip later.
BEIBO
My great-great aunt is 97. So... she complained about my mom’s cooking and completely destroyed us all at poker. Did I answer all your questions?
POPPY
Uh...This is not a question but, like. The holiday song. It- I was not in, like, the best mood but - it was touching. The scientific objectivity was touching.
BEIBO
It’s not like I was the only one who worked on it. Me and Walt figured out the lyrics.
POPPY
Yeah, but - you told me about how your love of music is paired with intense fear.
BEIBO
It often ends up that way, huh?
POPPY
You said Miss Meloda told you in third grade your voice sounded like a strange hybrid of a cat whimpering and a donkey dying. But I think your voice is beautiful-
BEIBO
I barely sang. Mary and Joe had to bury me in the mix, so. You’re welcome? Did you want to tell me something else?
POPPY
I guess not.
SFX: Gong sound. "Gong Hit" by GowlerMusic https://freesound.org/people/GowlerMusic/sounds/266566/
NARRATOR
Walt, who was sitting in the booth, played the gong sound as soon as he saw Eleanor coming out of the bathroom. Then he bounced up to open the booth door.
WALT
Miss Eleanor!! We’re ready for the thrilling conclusion of Brock and Sonya!
ELEANOR
Walter! How- None of you were supposed to be here until Mary and Joe’s plane back from Ireland! I- I’m just so surprised you’re here when I didn’t insist on it!
CONALL
The kids convinced me.
POPPY
We’re here for Sonya and Brock’s romance, or whatever!
PETUNIA
And I’m baking Mary a cake!
WALT
Miss Eleanor, I took your original script that somehow ended up in the mini-fridge, and I made 25 copies of it!
ELEANOR
Aw, Walter, did you press all the buttons on the copy machine again?
WALT
It’s possible. But the result is that we have copies for everyone, plus extras. You’re gonna autograph those ones for *your* adoring fans!
ELEANOR
That’s sweet...but...especially now that we’re all here, I was considering that we could, uh, rewrite the ending.
WALT
You don’t want Brock and Sonya kissing under a rainbow?
ELEANOR
Sorry. But- I was thinking about all the times that I’d run headlong into a new project, or a new relationship. I *knew* I was right, up to the point that everything fell apart. And then it would be someone else’s fault. I was thinking about all of you! What if - someone else’s crazy perspective is what I was missing? What if, even though they all stuck out like a sore thumb, Brock and Sonya *needed* Mechagodzilla and Phil Merlot and Amelia Earhart and Skelebones?
CONALL
Are you saying that your relationships would have gone better if you’d have asked the leader of the Skeleton Army for advice?
SKELEBONES
I *am* celebrating my 105th wedding anniversary soon...
ELEANOR
Heh heh. I’m saying that all of us are lost by ourselves. Only as a flawed community do we have any hope of success. And so, my little writers’ room, let’s get to rewriting!
WALT
Wow! So you actually want to hear about Skelebones and Mechagodzilla and the Segway now?
ELEANOR
...I want to hear about whoever interests you, Walter. And that goes for the rest of you as well!
CONALL
Perhaps Santa’s gift to all of us was an alien replica of our boss.
BEIBO
Um, Eleanor, since we’re going to be collaborating now, I had a kinda rude question- are we supposed to think Brock and Sonya are a *good* couple?
POPPY
Yeah, because Brock is, like, constantly posturing, and Sonya is mostly complaining? And reminiscing about dancing? And they really don’t know much about each other?
BEIBO
But I could get how they could be maybe a shallow fantasy? Two beautiful people who protect each other at all costs and constantly talk about true love...
POPPY
And are never awkward, which is totally a fantasy...Yeah but then why is Brock kind of a jerky jock?
ELEANOR
Believe it or not, we’re actually on the same wavelength here. Brock and Sonya were the fantasy I wanted, but somehow I let too much of my truth seep in. Let’s see if we can unravel it all.
PETUNIA
At 9AM the next morning, Mary and Joe pulled the KOLD door open. Joe felt a bit rattled that they didn’t have 35 missed calls from Eleanor, as usual when they were trying to negotiate the investment process. Mary was just relieved.
SFX: "Door, Front, Opening, A.wav" by InspectorJ (www.jshaw.co.uk) of Freesound.org https://freesound.org/people/InspectorJ/sounds/431117/
MARY
Back to the swanky radio station, eh, luv? (singing "Fairytale of New York")
*They’ve got cars big as bars,*
*They’ve got rivers of gold*
*But the wind goes right through you,*
*It’s no place for the old...*
JOE
Huuh, I told ya, th’ Fairytale of New York isn’t an appropriate song for professional settings!
MARY
It’s not as if we’re goin’ to be thrown out! We’re the potential investors, remember? An’ it looks like...
SFX: Snoring of all shapes and sizes, continues through "Snoring 2" by sankalp https://freesound.org/people/sankalp/sounds/180336/
"Snoring 1" by sankalp https://freesound.org/people/sankalp/sounds/180334/
"Snoring 6" by sankalp https://freesound.org/people/sankalp/sounds/180338/
JOE
Everyone’s asleep!
NARRATOR
The writer’s room had slept over at the station, while I had pulled an all-nighter finishing Mary’s cake. I piped up.
PETUNIA
*Yawn* I’m here, Mary!! See the banner? And this tribute cake creation? I don’t mean to brag, but it was all me! Petunia Stonebury!
MARY
I don’t think we had any doubts about that.
JOE
Huuh, the fondant versions of us finally have proper proportions! I’m looking slimmer than ever, despite being made of sugar!
MARY
Good work, wee Petunia. If they don’t wake up in five seconds, we’re takin’ the cake to the local pub an’ sharin’ it with the bar staff.
PETUNIA
So sorry! We don’t have a local pub. Will the Blathering Goat coffeehouse do?
ELEANOR
Is that Mary?
MARY
You’re lucky you wake up at the slightest trace of an Irish accent!
ELEANOR
I’m grateful for all those stress dreams!! Mary, Joe, we stayed up all night reworking the script - you could say our only flaw was working too hard!
MARY
You could say that, but we won’t. I’m here for th’ romantic gooey stuff with Brock an’ Sonya, an’ your little laddie trying his hardest to liven the broadcasts up. No more stallin’!
WALT
Aaa! Did someone say “little laddie”?
JOE
Ah, that’s deadly! Your apprentice has inherited your stress dreams!
ELEANOR
Walter, play the gong sound! We need to get to work! Mary, Joe, sit down - we found you some lovely seating!
SFX: Gong sound. "Gong Hit" by GowlerMusic https://freesound.org/people/GowlerMusic/sounds/266566/
PETUNIA
The rest of the motley crew at the station woke up with a start. Somehow, Poppy and Beibo had fallen asleep hand-in-hand.
BEIBO
What? Oh my gosh, I’m sorry!
POPPY
You’re sorry? I was holding your hand as hard as my white blood cell plushie! Yes I still sleep with a plushie but it rocks.
BEIBO
Well, anyway, it was weird and you probably didn’t like it- I was holding your hand pretty hard too-
POPPY
You’re the one who seems, like, shaken- For me it was like what I thought sleepovers would be like and then they weren’t. Why didn’t they ever let us invite boys to our sleepovers?
BEIBO
Ugh. I’m sorry. My hands are so sweaty.
NARRATOR
Mary and Joe stared at the pillow fort I had helped everyone build for them. It was a “Princess and the Pea” situation. But for some reason, Joe’s pile of pillows was about 10 lower than Mary’s. I wonder why? ...I don’t. I did that.
MARY
That’s *different*.
JOE
It takes me back to primary school!
MARY
Here, luv.
NARRATOR
She handed him a pillow.
MARY
You aren’t as far below me as they like to pretend.
JOE
Sure, just 9 pillows lower in status!
MARY
Ah, stop whingin’. Clearly you’ve got some power in this gammy arrangement we call a marriage - otherwise I’d still be sittin’ at home readin’ comments on the YouTube for me songs from thirty years ago!
JOE
We all know that wasn’t good for your mental health, luv. ‘Course, you’re not good for me mental health sometimes, but when does that ever stop me?
MUSIC: Eerie Tales from the Aether Theme: “stretched theremin#2.flac” by Timbre https://freesound.org/people/Timbre/sounds/119955/
CONALL
Welcome back, once again, to Eerie Tales From the Aether, and to our ongoing story: The Amazing Adventures of Brock and Sonya. In the last episode, Sonya Winters seemed as dead as a toasted doornail. Ah, but then-
MUSIC: (Jazz Loop) Rusted Maid by plaster brain https://freesound.org/people/plasterbrain/sounds/464923/
"Searching" by Alex Mason https://freemusicarchive.org/music/alex-mason/dark
SONYA
“Aaagh!”
BROCK
“Sonya! No! How could you, Phil?”
PHIL MERLOT
“I...I just don’t know... Wait...Wait...What happened to your bim Sonya?”
BROCK
“She- we just went over this, Phil, she was shot by Callie- huh?? Is that...”
PHIL MERLOT
Sonya was gone. In her place was a tiny peephole - not in the wall, but in the fabric of the universe. Brock pushed me over to look within it.
SFX: A rift in time and space opens and the segway appears. Ninebot z10 electric wheel startup JRF contact RXed.wav by Archos https://freesound.org/people/Archos/sounds/462934/
BROCK
“Sonya! You’re so small! How dare you scare me by going in there?”
SKELEBONES
Don’t blame her, Brock. Be kinder to your traumatized girlfriend. I’ve saved her!
SONYA
“We’re in the time vortex! Obviously!”
MUSIC: "Jubilee" by the young philosopher’s club https://freemusicarchive.org/music/the-young-philosophers-club/to-be-and-not-to-be
BROCK
“I never thought I would be so grateful for an irritating sack of bones. And so sorry for not protecting my woman properly.”
SONYA
“Your woman?!”
PHIL MERLOT
He started to jump into the vortex, but then-
SONYA
“Brock! I think we need to take Phil Merlot! He did help us through every step of the way, and he’s going through a lot right now-“
BROCK
“That’s ridiculous, Sonya! His inaction nearly killed you!”
SONYA
“He didn’t want to give up his identity as a detective for the life of some random woman! I empathize! Who would I be if I never danced again?”
BROCK
“Still an absolutely ravishing beauty.”
SONYA
“Hmmph. You really don’t understand me after all, Brock Austin.”
BROCK
“What do you mean? Besides, there’s no room for Phil Merlot! There are already 4 people on that Segway!”
SKELEBONES
Actually, we dropped Amelia and Beethoven off.
BROCK
“Why?”
SONYA
“Apparently they were underwritten!”
SKELEBONES
But no matter, 45 people can fit on this Segway.
SONYA
“Skelebones says it’s from the 39th century, when Segway-Ninebot Inc. harnesses the power of every multiverse to create the most expansive Segway of all time and rule the Galactic Empire.”
SKELEBONES
Dark times. But great Segways.
BROCK
“I have no clue what’s going on, but fine. Phil Merlot, you’re coming with us!”
PHIL MERLOT
“Ah, kid, I don’t need to go into the little glowing bullethole and ruin your life...I should face my fate.”
BROCK
“Nope. Sonya says no one who’s helped us gets left behind!”
PHIL MERLOT
“She’s a kind soul. Lenora? Callie Cabernet? Find someone else to torment! Arrivederci! AAAAAA!” And just like that, we jumped on the Segway and the little pinhole closed. Poor Callie Cabernet was driven to talk to herself...
SFX: Phil and Brock jump on the Segway. It speeds away. "09308 segway pass-by.wav" by Robinhood76 https://freesound.org/people/Robinhood76/sounds/553942/
MUSIC: Jazz loop.wav by FrankyBoomer https://freesound.org/people/FrankyBoomer/sounds/261100/
BEIBO/CALLIE
“Callie, you little spitfire, you’re a terrible shot! That bullet didn’t even make a dent in the wall and they all got away!”
MUSIC: "Jubilee" by the young philosopher’s club https://freemusicarchive.org/music/the-young-philosophers-club/to-be-and-not-to-be
SKELEBONES
Perhaps *now* we can finally make our way to my father’s castle in Victorian England?
MARY
No! They’re never goin’! We hate Victorian England!
JOE
Boooo! Though I am strangely delira and excira to hear about th’ Segway again!
PHIL MERLOT
I’ll be happy to help you with that answer after I determine that this blue-and-purple whirling place isn’t the last thing my addled brain is seeing before I bleed out on the sticky floor-
BROCK
“Phil, do you have to monologue out loud? I’m trying to concentrate!”
SONYA
“On what?”
MUSIC: Romantic Song by theojt https://freesound.org/people/theojt/sounds/510954/
BROCK
“On *you*, Sonya Winters! Did your near-death experience change you? Just now at Zinny’s - that was the first time you’ve ever fought with me!”
SONYA
“Brock Austin, there’s more where that came from! I had been so swept off my feet, so surprised by your rude beauty, I hadn’t spoken out against all your brash comments! But it’s clear *you* don’t listen anyway.”
PHIL MERLOT
Hey, Cartilage, if we’re doing impossible things, can we go see the dinosaurs?
SKELEBONES
That’s a rookie time travel mistake.
PHIL MERLOT
Rookie mistake for these two lovebirds to fight it out, too. It always worked out smoother for me to keep my mouth shut between kisses.
BROCK
“Remember when we danced? You tried to teach me, but my style blew everyone off their feet. Your dance was rote, practiced, stale - not who you are.”
SONYA
“My dance was stale and unoriginal?? Your dance landed us at the mercy of the Government Soldiers!”
BROCK
“Still, you are far more than your dancing, Sonya Winters-“
SONYA
“What am I then? If you say gorgeous one more time, I swear...”
MUSIC: “stuck coming up” - the young philosopher’s club https://freemusicarchive.org/music/the-young-philosophers-club/to-be-and-not-to-be
BROCK
“No, you’re- I mean, it’s not like you *aren’t* gorgeous, but- I just realized how we can discover exactly who and what we are. BONYBOY! Take us to observe ourselves, 30 years later in our timelines. We won’t touch a single hair on our heads. Or our toupees.”
SKELEBONES
Oh, I wouldn’t say that’s a terribly good idea...
BROCK
“Why not? I’m prepared to disassemble you temporarily, Bonyboy. Scramble you up a bit while we get to our destination.”
SKELEBONES
I don’t think you want to tangle with me, Austin. I was merely warning you of the emotional wreckage of your decisions.
SONYA
“I’d say we’d rather hurt now than 30 years later, Skelebones, when it’s far too late. But thanks for the advice.”
BROCK
“Is there a button I can press for my own timeline?”
SKELEBONES
(sighing)
Let me handle the controls-
SFX: "Door, Front, Opening, A.wav" by InspectorJ (www.jshaw.co.uk) of Freesound.org https://freesound.org/people/InspectorJ/sounds/431117/
MUSIC: Slip the e to g.wav by aceinet https://freesound.org/people/aceinet/sounds/417150/
PETUNIA
In an occurrence that was becoming more common than Eleanor had hoped, the KOLD front door burst open. A tall man in brainy glasses and bright green pants was silhouetted in the rain.
JAMES TAYLOR
YOU!
ELEANOR
This is not part of the broadcast!
BEIBO
I don’t know who this guy is-
POPPY
But his Oscar the Grouch pajama bottoms are, like, a distinct look.
BEIBO
That’s exactly what I was thinking!
MARY
Ah, luv, it’s another one of my fans.
JOE
He even has your sparkly microphone!
CONALL
James Taylor, newscaster for KARZ. Philanderer, defrauder, gambler, fan-fiction writer, and general do-badder. So we meet again.
JAMES TAYLOR
Not you, Conall. I’ve already settled that score. It’s the nasty good-for-nothin’ owner of this radio station I’m looking for... Eleanor, isn’t it?
ELEANOR
It is, but - we’re in the middle of a broadcast, Mr. Taylor.
MARY
Jaysus, his career has really gone down the tubes since that “Fire and Rain!”
JAMES TAYLOR
Ahahahahaha. So funny. I’ve considered taking action against the other James Taylor for the emotional impact of that hilarious first impression. But I’m getting off track. This Monday, a coworker of mine at KARZ asked about my broadcasting enemy Conall Kaleo, and I proceeded to crow to her about Conall’s pointless job at KOLD, where his broadcasts sail past any potential listeners’ ears, directly into the vacuum of space. I switched it on to illustrate to her the worthless programming at KOLD - but instead I heard a jingle. To be perfectly honest, it was ...very catchy. I had to eat my words. I left your station on. The jingles were so compulsively memorable that, when I came to work the next morning, I forgot to read from the teleprompter and instead belted out “Ziffrin, Brittenham, Bronca Fisher, Gilbert-Luri and COOOOOOOKKKKKK...”
Beat.
JAMES TAYLOR
Sorry. As you may understand, I made a fool of myself on local television, and my boss decided to give me a few days “off”, all because of your jingles. So I believe I have the right to sue you, Eleanor, for-
ELEANOR
Mr. Taylor, I think you may have made a small mistake. The jingles are indeed the *advertiser’s* property, after the advertisers have paid our in-house fees, so you will have to go to the law office of Ziffrin-
JAMES TAYLOR
I’ve heard those names enough, ma’am. Fine, I suppose-
WALT
But Miss Eleanor, I wrote the jingles. So technically speaking and all, wouldn’t the melody and lyrics and all actually be my property?
ELEANOR
Well...
JAMES TAYLOR
Ah-ha!
MUSIC: 2018 remix of oymaldonado’s free sound #75315 by Timbre https://freesound.org/people/Timbre/sounds/434788/
JAMES TAYLOR
Oh, that’s just my victory song. It’s voice-activated by my maniacal laughter. So I believe I have the right to sue this kid for-
WALT
For what, Mr. Taylor?
JAMES TAYLOR
...I’m not sure what it’s called, but I’m definitely suing you for it.
WALT
It doesn’t really seem like you can sue someone for writing a catchy song. I mean, if people could do that, wouldn’t Elton John be in jail?
JOE
Huuh, and James Taylor, too? The real one, I mean.
JAMES TAYLOR
Trust me, kid, I have a really good lawyer.
CONALL
When we were newscasters together, he sued me over coffee. You see, I was office barista-
WALT
Oh, was this like that McDonald’s coffee lawsuit where McDonald’s got played? That woman spilled it on herself!
BEIBO
No, we’re the ones who got played because we believe McDonald’s side of the story. The woman actually got 3rd degree burns because McDonald’s was storing their coffee at 190 degrees! There was a really good video about it in my YouTube recommended.
CONALL
But none of that happened to James. Instead, he claimed that a medical condition meant that I had been making his drinks far too cold, despite the fact that he requested them iced.
JAMES TAYLOR
The word “iced” never came out of my mouth. I fear all forms of ice.
POPPY
What’s the medical condition called?
JAMES TAYLOR
Oh, you wouldn’t know about it, kid.
CONALL
He doesn’t remember what he confabulated.
JAMES TAYLOR
I won the case. Of course I do - it’s just that Latin names are a bit of a blank spot for me- cold- cold ur- ursula? Urgent?
CONALL
A week after the trial I caught him scarfing down a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.
JAMES TAYLOR
You’re such a joke, Kaleo.
CONALL
Deny it all you like, but that was the beginning of a beautiful acrimony.
ELEANOR
Uh, well? Mr. Taylor, it doesn’t need to be this drastic. I wouldn’t want *us* to have to call Ziffrin, Brittenham, Gilbert-Luri-
JAMES TAYLOR
What did I tell you about those names?! Your little friend here is going to court, Ma’am.
ELEANOR
No, he’s not!
WALT
I’ve never been to court before. It might be fun. ...*But*, Miss Eleanor, I was thinking since he works at the TV station and all... it needs advertising, right? Well, I thought maybe there could be a jingle for it on KOLD. He said everything we do is sucked into the vacuum of space, but still, the more advertising, the better, right? And that could help him turn his career around!
ELEANOR
That’s brilliant, Walter! Ah, Mr. Taylor, clearly from your experience, our jingles are very hard to get out of your head. Effective product placement. So a jingle for your TV station would be a good choice, would it not?
JAMES TAYLOR
Maybe- We do have this children’s show we’re trying to start up...I’m co-executive producer. It’s called Turbo Shark. It centers on a young shark with magical powers, including super-speed and invisibility. Unfortunately, once they discover his abilities, the government puts him in a secret facility. Then a boy rescues him and they begin to fight crime. But its 10 pm timeslot isn’t helping it much.
WALT
Hmm... *Baby Shark, doo doo do-* No, that’s already a song. What’s another name for baby sharks? ...Oh!
*Turbo Shark was just a pup*
*When they came along and locked him up*
*A boy came to his rescue...*
MARY
The laddie’s a fast songwriter! We may have to get him a record deal.
JAMES TAYLOR
Ohh, I do believe that’ll work. That can even be the Turbo Shark theme song!
ELEANOR
You did it, Walter!! Your show is in good hands, sir. I assume we’re in the clear, then? We can return to our broadcast?
JAMES TAYLOR
Blast. I wanted to sue someone today. You did a bang-up job, kid.
WALT
...Thank you!
JAMES TAYLOR
Hey Conall... enjoying your time here in this hole? Enjoying those luxurious chairs and that state-of-the-art equipment? Do you miss the $8,000 espresso machine at KARZ? You might want to get that lightbulb fixed.
CONALL
Go to hell, Taylor.
JAMES TAYLOR
See ya there, Kaleo.
SFX: Taylor clicks his tongue with supreme confidence and laughs, which activates his “victory song” again. 2018 remix of oymaldonado’s free sound #75315 by Timbre https://freesound.org/people/Timbre/sounds/434788/
PETUNIA
James Taylor strolled out of KOLD, still far too confident.
CONALL
YOU CAN’T PLAY YOUR VICTORY MUSIC! YOU LOST, REMEMBER?
JAMES TAYLOR
THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE WRONG! I GOT A PERFECT THEME SONG FOR TURBO SHARK! Remember to send me the sheet music, kid!
ELEANOR
That was a disaster. You salvaged it, Walter, because you are a genius, but - Mary, Joe, I let him tread all over me! I’m sorry, my management skills are lacking, you may as well just leave now-
SFX: Mary crunches potato chips.
MARY
Eleanor, what do the pharmaceutical-lovin’ Americans say? Take a chill pill.
JOE
Have some of th’ jalapeño chips!
MARY
I can’t hear you over the sound of me extreme comfort and desire to hear the end of Sonya an’ Brock’s story. I hope they stay together.
JOE
I’m not so sure, luv, they are both a little arse-y in their own ways.
MARY
Don’t ya see why I hope they stay together?
ELEANOR
But- I mean, my lack of a backbone combined with my controlling nature, which I’m trying hard to better control... it’s created nothing but chaos at the station!
MARY
I like chaos more an’ more in my older age.
JOE
We thought you understood- we’re not just investing in you! It’s you an’ your community! The whole station! Now scrap on back to the booth an’ play us our program!
CONALL
Eerie Tales from the Aether. Sponsored by: (sigh) Turbo Shark. A new TV show, executive produced by James Taylor.
POPPY AND WALT
*Turbo Shark was just a pup*
*When they came along and locked him up*
*A boy came to his rescue*
*Now they’re fighting crime and having fun too*
*Turbo Shark is so cool*
*Turbo Shark, the boy, and you*
*Turbo Shark is here to stay*
*Turbo Shark is ready to play*
*With a price that just cannot be beat*
*Turbo Shark is really sweet*
WALT
TURBO SHARK: A NEW TV SERIES! COMING SOON TO KPTV! PREORDER THE ACTION FIGURES NOW! PLAYSET FREE WITH PURCHASE OF 5 ACTION FIGURES (SHIPPING AND HANDLING NOT INCLUDED) PLAYSET INCLUDES: AMAZING WATER CHANGING PACKET THAT TURNS YOUR BORING TAP WATER INTO TURBO SHARK APPROVED SEAWATER! (Warning: Turbo Shark-approved seawater not for human consumption.) WATCH OUT FOR THE POTENTIAL NEW TURBO SHARK FULL- LENGTH MOVIE COMING SEPTEMBER 2025: TURBO SHARK.... IN SPACE!
MARY
“The boy”?? Doesn’t the laddie have a name?
JOE
I admire the marketing acumen! The characters don’t even have names, an’ they’re already sellin’ the playset!
BROCK
“Skelebones! I command you to take us to our futures!”
SKELEBONES
Fiiiine. Exactly 30 years from now, in 3...2...1...
SFX: ZOINK! They are blasted to their own futures! Ninebot z10 electric wheel startup JRF contact RXed.wav by Archos https://freesound.org/people/Archos/sounds/462934/
Epic Logo by Andrewkn https://freesound.org/people/Andrewkn/sounds/474993/
MUSIC: Burton h. Throckmorton jr by the young philosopher’s club https://freemusicarchive.org/music/the-young-philosophers-club/to-be-and-not-to-be
SFX: "Football Crowd - Chanting Adam Lallana - Southampton vs Hull at Saint Mary's Stadium" by Quistard https://freesound.org/people/Quistard/sounds/237681/
SONYA
“Wow! We really are back in the 23rd century...”
BROCK
“At an UltraBall Galaxy Championship...”
PHIL MERLOT
It looks as though you’re still together. That’s gotta count for something.
SONYA
“Look - that old woman-“
BROCK
“I find it hard to believe you could ever be old-“
SONYA
“Well, that *is* me, and she’s saying something.”
OLDER SONYA
“I’m tired of you playing this recording. I wish virtual reality was put to better use.”
BROCK
“And now he- a far less handsome version of me- is turning to Sonya!”
OLDER BROCK
“What would you prefer we watch? The giant adorable kitten exposure video?”
MUSIC: Cauliflower by Nora Keyes https://freemusicarchive.org/music/Nora_Keyes/Songs_to_Cry_by_in_the_Golden_Age_of_Nothing
OLDER SONYA
“Yes. Then you would be extending a tiny bit of bravery. Facing your fear, like you did once, instead of replaying your glories from 2314.”
OLDER BROCK
“It was your glory too, you know. You cheered me on every step of the-“
OLDER SONYA
“And managed your publicity campaign, and helped you make the right choices - I am ACUTELY aware.”
OLDER BROCK
“Ungrateful. Go strike out on your own with your own dance studio, without a dime or another word from me. See how far you get.”
BROCK
“I don’t like where this is going...”
PHIL MERLOT
The older Sonya tore off her virtual reality headset and walked away, revealing a cramped apartment.
OLDER SONYA
“Fine. Sit there in your fake world and “play” UltraBall. I’m making dinner but don’t expect it to be anything you want...”
SONYA
“I think I get why you didn’t want us to see this, Skelebones.”
MUSIC: The Spirit of Russian Love (violin) by Kosta T and Zinaida Trokai https://freemusicarchive.org/music/Kosta_T/Soul_Sand/Kosta_T_-_Soul_Sand_-_22_The_Spirit_of_Russian_Love_violin
SKELEBONES
Oh, I didn’t know what your particular situation is. But everyone always regrets seeing their future. Sometimes it’s *too* good and sets high expectations. Though this is not your circumstance.
SONYA
“Well- I have to ask- does that me dance anymore?”
SKELEBONES
Your file states that your dancing career clashed with the exploding popularity of singer, athlete and inventor of many dance moves Brock Austin. Spectators found your dance style mediocre at first, but then most criticism came from your own household.
SONYA
“Brock, how could you?”
BROCK
“I hate that me! No one ever taught him how to love!”
SONYA
“Are you blaming *me* for future you’s terrible behavior?”
PHIL MERLOT
“If I may speak... My job involves the collection of evidence. But often, one piece of evidence seems to speak much louder than it deserves. We call these red herrings. Don’t let this glimpse into who you could be ruin who you are now.”
BROCK
“That’s...weirdly profound, Phil.”
SONYA
“It’s true. Maybe... Skelebones, take us back to the dancehall where we met. Take us to a time when we can be alone.”
SKELEBONES
(sigh) Your bony chauffeur, at your service.
MUSIC: Amerika by Audiobinger https://freemusicarchive.org/music/Audiobinger/quarantine-beats-vol-2/amerika
SONYA
“We have a shot. But only because- you know this, don’t you, Brock - we’re not real. In the real world, this is a million times harder. Like swimming through molasses.”
BROCK
“I guess...”
SONYA
“But here, we could actually change the future. Either we give up on each other now or open ourselves up to change and improvement. To the highly unlikely idea that we can change each other for the better.”
BROCK
“I’ll choose the second one. I want every day to be like a personalized present. I’ll open up for you, Sonya. Unlike that jerk sitting on the couch replaying his UltraBall tournament.”
SFX: A Kind Face by Crowander https://freemusicarchive.org/music/crowander/sweet-and-joyful-light-acoustic/a-kind-face
SKELEBONES
We’re here. But after this, we’re going directly to my father’s castle, to solve the mystery of his untimely death!
PHIL MERLOT
“That *does* sound like a job for me.”
SONYA
“Stop giving us previews of future episodes, guys! We need to be in the moment!”
PHIL MERLOT
“The dancehall wasn’t my kind of place. A twinkly song was playing, and lights streaked across the ceiling like dancing stars.”
SKELEBONES
Some punk music would really liven this place up, amirite?
BROCK
“Von Ossified! SHH!”
SONYA
“Brock Austin... I’m more than happy to teach you how to love.”
BROCK
“...But you’re expecting more from me...”
SONYA
“I expect you to teach me enough courage and devotion to love you back. I expect you to teach me about myself.”
PHIL MERLOT
From the shadows, somehow I saw Older Sonya watching the scene wistfully and narrating to herself...
OLDER SONYA
Brock looked at Sonya with a strange, unexplainable look on his face. Sonya looked down at him, confused and slightly embarrassed.
SONYA
“I’m done. You can talk now.”
MUSIC: “Beauty” by Spectacular Sound Productions https://freemusicarchive.org/music/Spectacular_Sound_Productions/Beauty_1695/Beauty_1301
OLDER SONYA
Slowly, a smile crept up Brock’s face, a glowing, radiant, and utterly loving smile.
BROCK
“I don’t think I really need to, Sonya.”
OLDER SONYA
Sonya led Brock in a dance, then Sonya and Brock shared a passionate kiss as the sun crossed over the horizon and the sky filled with orange-pink light, like the wings of a phoenix.
POPPY
Uhh...Beibo?
BEIBO
Yeah?
NARRATOR
Back in reality, in the radio booth, Poppy approached Beibo and kissed him. Then they just stared at each other.
POPPY
Crap. None of that was necessary. It’s just radio.
BEIBO
*Good* radio.
POPPY
Oh.
BEIBO
Yeah, I know our listeners would have preferred... *makes extremely fake kissing sounds*.
MUSIC: Undercover - Ketsa https://freemusicarchive.org/music/Ketsa/5d/undercover
PHIL MERLOT
Older Sonya slowly dissipated into the air. Sonya Winters didn’t need her foreshadowing anymore. She and Brock were free, their futures un-dictated, undisclosed, undefeated. I wished everyone else the same freedom.
MARY
Ehh, that plot development was predictable!
JOE
Huuh, everyone knew that Poppy and Beibo would eventually get together! Brock and Sonya, on the other hand, delivered the real twists!
CONALL
Now you’ve heard The Amazing Adventures of Brock and Sonya. Of course, there’s more to hear from them, but this was the conclusion of their epic love story. Next time, Skelebones will take us on a spine-tingling journey through the unsolved murder of his own father in Victorian England...and I can make no promises about whether a giant, adorable kitten will reappear.
MARY
Well, Eleanor, does that round things out? Does it wrap things up with Brock and Sonya?
ELEANOR
I mean, yes! If you think it does, that is. Forgive me-
NARRATOR
Eleanor was still a little distracted by smiling at Poppy and Beibo. We all were.
ELEANOR
Yes, that was our intended ending. A little shaggy, but it shows the difficulty, and the possibility of love.
MARY
I don’t think things would’ve worked out right for us, luv, if we’d seen into our own futures.
JOE
Huuh, I strongly disagree. We’re getting fiercer and more brilliant by the moment!
ELEANOR
Well, may I pop the question? Will you... invest in our radio station? Will you keep us going, or should I finally put that “for lease” sign out?
MARY
Ohh...Look, Eleanor, I was considerin’ it, but this whole “Victorian England” plan is *brutal*...
JOE
Yes!! We’ll do it! I don’t know why Mary has had to drag this out for so long, I’ve been hoppin’ up in down to show how much I love it for days-
MARY
Because it’s a lot of money, luv! But we’re in now. We can’t dig ourselves out. We appreciate the hearts an’ souls of all of you. An’ we appreciate the chance to reinvigorate ourselves and have total creative control of a whole radio station.
ELEANOR
Total creative control?
MARY
Those are the rules of the contract! Dependin’ on how I define “total”, of course. Number One, scrap Victorian England, Skelebones will investigate his father’s death in Ireland, or maybe even somewhere like Chile? It’ll be deadly.
ELEANOR
Ahh. Yes... well, that’ll work out, then. Let’s cut the cake!
MARY
Number Two, this poor fella Conall you’ve had for donkey’s years carryin’ the channel deserves his own music show, with all the punk programmin’ he can handle!
CONALL
Conall’s Back Corner Concussion? I’ve been pitching it for months.
JOE
Huuh, we’ll be workshopping that name.
MARY
Number Three, I’ll be able to perform whichever songs I choose on the station, no matter what my religious listeners think! It’s high time I stop censoring myself, right, luv?
JOE
Well... I’d never go that far...
MARY
Well, I have, an’ everyone knows you’ve had loads of control over my artistry over th’ years! If I want to break out into Conall’s punk band, I will!
CONALL
You will?
MARY
I didn’t say I would! All o’ you get your hopes up faster than I pulled my stockings up on those Broadway quick-changes! Fortunately for you, Joe, tonight I’m in the mood for one of my old classics an’ craic! Little laddie, you got the sheet music all prepared?
WALT
I actually had time to read this one!
MARY
Glad to hear it!
SFX: Mary launches into Buile Mo Chroí (Beat of My Heart)
MARY
*An gcloiseann tú bualadh mo chroí*
*Buile mo chroí*
*Greadadh mo chroí*
*An gcloiseann tú greadadh mo chroí*
*Hearing the beat of my heart*
*The pain of my heart*
*The scrape of my heart*
*Are you hearing the scrape of my heart?*
*An mbraitheann tú cuisle mo chroí*
*I dtearmann do lámha*
*I ngéibheann do ghrá*
*An mbraitheann tú cuisle mo chroí*
SFX: Petunia and Poppy join in as backup singers.
MARY
*Feeling the beat of my heart*
*In the palm of your hand*
*In the jail of your love*
*Feeling the beat of my heart*
Scram! Scatter! Up the yard! Lay off, ya tone-deaf lassies! Don’t be thinkin’ that you can be interlopin’ just because some bits are in English!
PETUNIA
But Mary-
POPPY
We just wanted to join in as a community and give the song more body!
PETUNIA
Give you the sense that we’re all working together as a group, like you said!
MARY
Ah, right. I appreciate havin’ a community, an’ now it all makes sense an’ we can skip in a circle like wee girlies- Except not! Not when I’m singin’! Me stocious grandda could sing better than you lot! Janey May, you sing like you’re bolloxed! Just hump off, alright?
NARRATOR
Our faces turned pale and we sat on the floor. I remembered my vow to write Mary’s biography without making any suggestions and shivered in terror. What awaited us as we worked together? Before any of our minds could run too far, though, we re-entered the domain of true beauty.
MARY
*Tá cóta an athar*
*Ró-mhór dá mhac*
*A bhróga caite*
*Ar chosa mo mhic*
*Ag bualadh mo chroí*
*Greadadh mo chroí*
*Stracadh mo chroí*
*An mbraitheann tú caitheamh mo chroí*
NARRATOR
I looked behind me. Beibo sat next to Poppy, who opened her hand to him. He took it.
POPPY
So sweaty!
BEIBO
Ugh, I know. Always.
POPPY
You were so nervous. You didn’t even, like, want to talk to me earlier.
BEIBO
Because you were so nervous! It rubbed off on me and I thought now I’m pressuring you into us, whatever us is, and I didn’t want to do that, so thank you, because I wouldn’t have looked you in the eye ever again. Nothing would have ever happened if you didn’t have the bravery to act.
POPPY
Yeah, case closed, I actually am a great actor!
NARRATOR
Conall gazed absent-mindedly at Eleanor. Walt smiled at everyone in the room. Eleanor stared at the ground, at a torn-up picture of her ex, then patted Walt on the back.
MARY
*Your old man’s coat*
*Is too big for you, boy*
*His worn out shoes*
*On the feet of my son*
*Kicking my heart*
*Breaking my heart*
*Tearing my heart*
*Are you wearing the tear of my heart?*
*Wearing the tear of my heart*
*Sioscadh mo chroí*
*Doirteadh mo chroí,*
*An gcloiseann tú doirteadh mo chroí*
*Ciúnas mo chroí*
*Uaigneas mo chroí*
*mo chroí, mo chroí...*
MUSIC: Amerika by Audiobinger https://freemusicarchive.org/music/Audiobinger/quarantine-beats-vol-2/amerika
NARRATOR
Next time at our cozy radio station... some of these questions may be answered. Or maybe not. Life’s like that, you know - you could be wondering about something for months but know it’ll never be resolved and that’s part of the joy of it all--- anyway. In the upcoming season of KOLD: Will Mary, Eleanor, and Joe end up in a war of the wits over creative changes to the station? How long will Poppy and Beibo - Peibo? Boppy? Boppy is better. - really last? How will Walt’s radio chosen family react to his original family knocking at the doors? How in the world will the KOLD family continue to put up with I, Petunia Stonebury? And who are the surprising figures from Eleanor and Mary’s shadowy pasts? Find out - maybe - in KOLD Season 2! And remember to tell your friends about this show, and leave a five star rating on Google Podcasts, Apple Podcasts, and your favorite podcatchers.