Episode 4: The Deadly Chemical Soup of Love

In this extra long episode... Conall gets inspired, Poppy and Beibo listen to a Soppy Romance Mix, Eleanor reminds us that four people do not fit on a Segway, Walt puts on a desperate puppet show, Joe decides to take action, and Mary goes to the mall. The saga of Brock and Sonya is taken over by Phil Merlot, a PI who's embarrassed of his real job at Lenora's Lovely Life Insurance, and matters go from bad to worse when they're met with unexpected guests from Merlot's past. The musical arena gets exciting as Walt (!) performs his original jingle "There's Something About Tattoos",  Joe sings "Me Ould Segotia", and at the end there's a musical cover surprise. Join us very soon for the KOLD Holiday Special!

KOLD is written, mixed, and directed by Isabelle Rogers, with tech support by Tim Rogers and music by Val Haynes. The cast for this episode is: 

Scott Barkhurst as Joe
Bill Furtick as Conall Kaleo
Tray Hammond as Beibo Suncloud
Greg Havton as Victor
Pamela Lehan-Siegel as Mary
Aimee Manley as Katy
Emma Paulini as Poppy Valley
Isabelle Rogers as Narrator/Petunia Stonebury
Thor Rogers as Walter Kay
Dante Thanhardt as Maximiliano
Adrienne West as Eleanor Krakaufsky

"KOLD Theme" performed by Emma Paulini. "There's Something About Tattoos" performed by Thor Rogers, music and lyrics by Val Haynes. "Me Ould Segotia" performed by Scott Barkhurst, music by Val Haynes, lyrics by Isabelle Rogers. "Walking With My Love" written by Finbar Furey (cover), performed by Pamela Lehan-Siegel and Scott Barkhurst.

Freesound/Free Music Archive Credits (Thank you!):
Romantic Song by theojt https://freesound.org/people/theojt/sounds/510954/
Beautiful String Music by Cunnigar0807 https://freesound.org/people/Cunningar0807/sounds/353964/
(Jazz Loop) Rusted Maid by plaster brain https://freesound.org/people/plasterbrain/sounds/464923/
Film Noir.wav by Johnnie_Holiday https://freesound.org/people/Johnnie_Holiday/sounds/547087/
Jazz-Drum-Beat-120 BPM.mp3 by jimrsbjorklund https://freesound.org/people/jimrsbjorklund/sounds/353081/
Body Fall 1.wav by Adam_N https://freesound.org/people/Adam_N/sounds/325270/
wide forward woosh1.wav by newagesoup
https://freesound.org/people/newagesoup/sounds/377834/ 
Bone Fracture by Fission9 https://freesound.org/people/Fission9/sounds/488659/
Jazz loop.wav by FrankyBoomer
https://freesound.org/people/FrankyBoomer/sounds/261100/
Central Park Jazz by sheriff https://freesound.org/people/sheriff/sounds/456064/
22 Magnum pistol shot by michorvath https://freesound.org/people/michorvath/sounds/427594/
Crowd in panic by IENBA https://freesound.org/people/IENBA/sounds/491405/
Ticking Clock - Large by Rollo145 https://freesound.org/people/Rollo145/sounds/256477/
“Don’t Call Me Romantic” by Mega Gem https://freemusicarchive.org/music/Mega_Gem/Colors_of_the_west/Mega_Gem_-_Colors_of_the_West_-_03_Dont_Call_Me_Romantic 

Transcript

NARRATOR (PETUNIA STONEBURY)
Welcome back to KOLD - the ongoing saga of station manager Eleanor to wrangle her talented broadcasters, Poppy, Beibo, and Conall, and her plucky young foley artist Walt, into performing the radio play “The Adventures of Brock and Sonya”. Why is she so invested in this Harlequin romance? For some reason, she believes it will convince Irish folk music diva Mary and her manager/husband to invest in the station. Has that worked? Well... last episode Walt went a bit off the rails and replaced the episode with his own creation about Mechagodzilla, Turtle Devastation Waves, time traveling Segways, and Skelebones. Mary didn’t take it well and fanned off to the mall with her adoring fans. I, Petunia Stonebury, was one of those fans - I am writing an exclusive, unauthorized biography about her life. But since I was at the mall when the following events took place... I had to take it all on the word of those who were actually at KOLD Radio.

WALT
So Miss Mary’s going to come back?

ELEANOR
WALTER? WHY IS THIS IN THE MINI FRIDGE?

WALT
Uhhh... Miss Eleanor, it had absolutely nothing to do with Poppy and Beibo, it was all me! 

ELEANOR
I didn’t even ask about Poppy and Beibo.

BEIBO
We encouraged him to replace it with his own work. Sorta. We were trying to encourage a young artist..? I didn’t think it was such a great plan but something convinced me...

POPPY
Ummm... I thought Walt had a good idea. His hypothesis was that Mary would like a play that was higher quality than the one on, uh, free awesome free copyright free radio plays dot free. But I guess that was disproven by what just happened. 

ELEANOR
That was better quality than the one- the one I bought online?

BEIBO
It was free, right?

ELEANOR
Right. Of course. Free. You thought that was higher quality??

POPPY
It was more entertaining...

BEIBO
You’re hurting Walt’s feelings.

ELEANOR
His feelings? What about - Walter, let’s talk in the break room. Joe, I’m so sorry for the
interruption.

JOE
You’re golden. Ya think I haven’t been in this situation before? In fact, things got even
worse at the RTÉ Radio 1 station when they called her music “middle of the road”.
Although I had some Irish coffee to sip on then.

ELEANOR
Poppy, Beibo, Conall - just in case Mary’s still listening on the way to the mall - put
something on the air! Something we can be proud of!

CONALL
That’s a little vague, Eleanor.

ELEANOR
Just don’t embarrass us. For some reason, I still believe you can do that.

NARRATOR
Walt slumped over to the break room with Eleanor. Joe searched for the little bottle of
Dingle Whiskey in the fanny pack he was wearing. And Conall, Beibo, and Poppy huddled
together.

CONALL
I’ll tell it to you straight, you two lovebirds-

BEIBO
Whoa, I mean-

POPPY
Like we said, we’re not lovebirds. We’re not even, like, love worms.

BEIBO
Maybe “love leopards”, though? That sounds cool. 

POPPY
Not love - “like llamas”?

CONALL
You clearly have some witty banter and possibly some unrequited feelings to get through. I’m going to give you some time to do that while I blast my “Soppy Romance Mix” over the radio.

POPPY
Oh god why?

CONALL
It’s a little push. Plus, there’s something I need to do. That wacky kid inspired me! All this time I’ve been working at the station, I’ve never been able to do what I wanted. You may have been able to tell. I’ve been frustrated. I’ve had trouble expressing my emotions well.

BEIBO
That’s a bummer...

CONALL
I’ve fallen back onto vices. But perhaps art was the solution all along. People will understand radio plays better than my pained expressions and discordant words. Especially the person who truly needs to understand. 

POPPY
...Sweet! 

 CONALL
Good luck, love leopards.

SFX
The booth door closes. Conall starts playing soppy love music.

NARRATOR
Conall chucked on a record and started playing his Soppy Romance Mix. He gave a thumbs-up to Poppy and Beibo, who went to sit down as far away from Joe as possible.

POPPY
Hey.

BEIBO
Hey.

POPPY
Wasn’t that ridiculous? It’s “Romantic Conversation Time”, right?

BEIBO
Well I mean, why do we care about an old man’s advice on our love life? 

POPPY
He’s not old. Old is a subjective term. He just belongs to a wrinklier generation.

BEIBO
Heh. Well, anyway. Do you want to have Romantic Conversation Time?

POPPY
Do you want to hear something honest?

BEIBO
Yes. Always.

POPPY
That sounds like Brock. “Yes. Always.”

BEIBO
I told you, maybe I really am Brock.

POPPY
*awkward laugh* Well, uh... I’m professional. And I’m, like, accomplished, even though I know that I put a lot of effort into my No Pseudoscience With Poppy episodes and no one but my mom will ever hear them. And even my mom falls asleep when she puts them on. 

BEIBO
I  listen to them. I’m always here at the station.

POPPY
That’s not helping. Anyway, I’m an impressive person, right? You don’t have to say yes. I believe I’m impressive. But - I’ve never gone on a date. Or even, like, kissed. It’s embarrassing. My friends are always complaining about bad dates and exes and creeps online, and in lab, if the same series of steps always leads to cell death, I wouldn’t do them!

BEIBO
So you’re scared?

POPPY
I- I don’t know what I want! It’s not like my primary feeling is fear! This radio play is
more like the Harry Potter fan fiction I wrote when I was 13 than any kind of real story, but I’m still having a blast. Like, I’m at my best when I’m making fun of stuff. And I get to do that - and I get to act opposite you - if you can call it acting-

BEIBO
I call it acting.

POPPY
And it’s a great time. Because you’re here. Even when we fail epically. But is that love? I don’t know! What is love? 

BEIBO
Baby don’t hurt me...

POPPY
Scientifically, it’s just, like, phenylethylamine and oxytocin and stuff. But I don’t really have the resources or time to test if I have those chemicals in my system. What is love to you?

BEIBO
Not wanting to be away from someone, because it’s like all of the enjoyment is sucked out
of your life. ...I’d say I feel that. If you gave up on KOLD Radio, I’d be sitting around like Joe is over there. Acting like no one could see me drinking from my travel-sized Dingle Whiskey bottle.

POPPY
Dingle Whiskey?

JOE
Huuh, what are you laughing about? Dingle! It’s a town in County Kerry! Ireland!

BEIBO
It’s sweet. How much he’s lost without her.

JOE
To you, it’s sweet?

POPPY
Yeah I find that kind of sad, too.

BEIBO
Well, she’s coming back. I know she is. Because she feels the same, but sometimes it just takes her a while to show it. It’s really clear in Mary’s music that she feels that way.

POPPY
You’re such a romantic.

BEIBO
And you’re not?

POPPY
I don’t know. But I have a hypothesis that maybe I could be.

NARRATOR
Suddenly, Conall burst out of the booth with some scribbled pages.

CONALL
It’s done! Come join me, love lemurs! Get ready to meet Phil Merlot.

JOE
Oh good. I need a distraction.

*Eerie Tales Theme*

CONALL
Welcome back to Eerie Tales From the Aether.  But first, a song from the terribly tough teachings of Titania’s Tender Tattoo Temple... “There’s Something About Tattoos”.

WALT
I'll do this one! I wrote it, after all, and it's more my style than any of the other jingles I've written so far.

CONALL
Take it away! Though I'd be surprised if you know more than I do about tattoos!

WALT
WELL, THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT TATTOOS
OH, THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT TATTOOS
MAN, THEM CHICKS THEY DIG A MAN WITH TATTOOS
AND DUDES LIKE A CHICK WITH TATTOOS TOO!
THEY’LL HAVE YA SAYIN’
AWWW AWWW AWWW AWWW AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OOOOH-HOO-HOOO-AAAAWW OW! OW! OW!
YEAH, THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT TATTOOS
THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT TATTOO- OOO-OOO-OOS
THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT TATTOO- OOO-OOO-OOS
THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT TATTOOS..

JOE
Brava! Brava! Huuh, how did the little laddie know about Mary’s purple dolphin? I thought nobody knew!

BEIBO
Wait, seriously? She has a purple dolphin tattoo?

JOE
Uh- you’ve heard nothing, laddie.

CONALL
In the last episode of Eerie Tales From the Aether, our heroes Brock and Sonya were menaced by skeletons, Mechagodzilla, and a giant, adorable kitten. Now, while traveling through the time vortex with Skelebones, Amelia Earhart, and Beethoven, Brock and Sonya fall off the Segway and are suddenly thrust into a whole new world. The world of legendary detective Phil Merlot.

SFX
Film noir theme. 

JOE
I know just what Mary would say about this! “Ah, it’s just like those old movies we used to watch together, with the young broad an’ the heavy-smokin’ guy!” An’ I would say - “I loved those ones! I look a bit like that Sam Spade fella, don’t you think, luv?” An’ her - “If Sam Spade was a bit more portly, sure, luv.”

CONALL (PHIL MERLOT)
San Francisco, 1946. Corner of Dupont and Guerrero. I stood in front of the door with creeping worms in my stomach. Or maybe it was just some expired Rice-A-Roni. I wish I could say it was the kind of seedy place that would make a garden-variety scoundrel run home to his mommy. But it was worse. It was an insurance office. I was headed to that monument to mediocrity because - I could barely admit it - that’s where I worked. Yes, I was a private detective by night, but by day-

BEIBO
What are you waiting for, Conall?

CONALL
I’m trying to work Walt’s sound effects in! It's not easy!

SFX: Falling sounds (Thump! Thump!)

SONYA
“Ow! I think my bones just snapped!”

BROCK
“Your Skelebones?”

SONYA
“This isn’t the time to make puns, Brock!”

PHIL MERLOT
“Who are you saps?”

BROCK
“Who are you calling saps?”

SONYA
“Brock, are you really telling me none of your bones snapped?”

PHIL MERLOT
That’s right. A dame and a fella fell out of the sky, out of nothing at all. The space where they fell was full of nothing one moment and something the next, just like my agenda always fills up with appointments with cheap, out-of-luck broads. 

BROCK
“I feel fine. Maybe due to my superior fitness.”

PHIL MERLOT
“I had thought airplane travel was getting safer - trendy, even - but did you two just fall out of the sky?”

SONYA
“It wasn’t a plane, it was a Segway! But where’d it go?”

BROCK
“And where are we?”

SONYA
“And where did Amelia and Beethoven and Skelebones go?”

BROCK
“And when are we? And again - who are you and why are you so insulting?”

PHIL MERLOT
“Slow down your roll there. You’d better plan to cough up 40 big ones if you want me to answer even one question.”

SFX: Bone fracture sound.

SONYA
“Ow. Ow ow ow. That hurts!”

BROCK
“She’s hurt! You have to answer our questions, Mr. Rude! We don’t know where we are, so how can we get help?”

PHIL MERLOT
Fine. I get a little squishy-hearted when I see a dame in trouble. I dropped my guard. “You should expect to answer my questions too, but fine- you’re in San Francisco. And I’m surprised you’re so strung out you need help with this one, but - it’s 1946. Take this.”

BROCK
“Lenora’s Super Soft Bandages?”

PHIL MERLOT
“Looks like she’ll need them.”

SONYA
“We’re in 1946? That means our parents haven’t been born yet! And worst of all there are no good dancehalls here at all- ow!!”

PHIL MERLOT
I watched the stud wrap bandages around the broad’s wounded knee. There was no question about it as I looked at them - these two were madly, stupidly in love, and they didn’t know it. Oh, they had the faintest of inklings, but they didn’t know how deep in the deadly chemical soup of love they truly were.

POPPY
Man, this guy is really pushing the romance angle for us.

BEIBO
Hey, you know I don’t mind.

PHIL MERLOT
“What kind of nonsense are you two talking?”

SONYA
“Oh, nothing!! Thank you for the bandage. I’m Sonya. Sonya Winters.”

BROCK
“Brock Austin, sports champion. I excel at UltraBall.”

PHIL MERLOT
“Phil Merlot. Glad you’re feeling better. You can’t be too careful in my business. You have to learn to live with the damage.”

BROCK
“What do you mean by your business? That place - since it’s run by Lenora?”

PHIL MERLOT
He pointed to the sign on the window - “Lenora’s Lovely Life Insurance”. It wasn’t even a neon sign. “Of course not. Chump. I wouldn’t be caught dead working here! I’ll take you somewhere much better.” 

SONYA
“Where’s that?”

PHIL MERLOT
“Zinny’s. The best nightclub and jazz bar this side of the Embarcadero. And the only one that hasn’t banned me.”

CONALL
When we return to Phil Merlot - er, I mean The Epic Saga of Brock and Sonya - we’ll see what it’s like on the inside of Zinny’s.

JOE
This is quite the exciting programming! Could use a Turtle Devastation Wave or two, but it does remind me how cool I am. I like all those film noir movies what show up in the Criterion Collection. But it also reminds me how much cooler me wife is...she’s the real femme fatale... Where are Eleanor and Walt? They’ve been gone a long time!

NARRATOR
Earlier, in the dastardly break room...

ELEANOR
Walter, you know we need to talk.

WALT
Yes, Miss Eleanor. I promise I was just trying to help. And I never thought you’d look in the mini fridge! You’re so smart!

ELEANOR
Am I?

WALT
I just thought it needed a little action and humor, Miss Eleanor. Something more like Flash Gordon and The War Of The Worlds and my favorite memes. Otherwise people get bored. But I guess Miss Mary didn’t see it like that.

ELEANOR
Brock and Sonya don’t get attacked by stupid monsters, Walter! They don’t run around the city like in Scooby-Doo! They don’t stop robots by throwing metal at them with slingshots! And FOUR PEOPLE CANNOT FIT ON A SEGWAY, WALTER!

WALT
But I thought a Segway was a giant awesome flying car spaceship thingie! I heard that it was gonna change transportation forever! My mom said she would get one for me for Christmas, so I was really excited!

ELEANOR
Segways aren’t giant awesome flying car spaceship thingies, Walter. They’re just scooters that you stand on. They don’t time travel. They don’t fly. They just go forwards. Very, very slowly.

WALT
I didn’t know that, Miss Eleanor.

ELEANOR
Yes, well. Now you do. The important thing is that you can’t change the script. Ever.

WALT
I’m sorry, Miss Eleanor. I was just trying to make it better. I don’t think it’s very good. It doesn’t make me happy like other radio plays do, see? It doesn’t make me sad or excited or frantic for the next part. I feel kinda...empty, and awkward... Miss Eleanor?

ELEANOR
What, Walter? I just need eye drops.

WALT
I thought eye drops were for dry eyes. You have wet ones. I - I can do impressions, Miss Eleanor. H - here’s Dr. Doofenshmirtz and Perry the Platypus from Phineas and Ferb!

NARRATOR
Walter got out his puppets again.

WALT
(as Doofenshmirtz) Wow, Perry, why do you think Miss Eleanor is crying? She’s easily one of the toughest women I’ve ever met!

WALT
(as Perry) Nnnnnnnn...

WALT
(as Doof) We should definitely cheer her up! You know, I’m evil, but not that evil. I’ll make a Cheer-Er-Up-Inator!

WALT
(as Perry) Nnnnnnnn!

WALT
(as Doof) Aww, thanks, Perry.

ELEANOR
I’m fine, Walter. Just fine.

WALT
(as Doof) I guess I don’t have to make that inator now! She’s already cheered up!

WALT
(as Perry) Nnnnnnnn?

WALT
(as Doof) Yeah, I know, Perry. It sure doesn’t seem like it.

ELEANOR
I really am alright. Those are very good impressions of something I haven’t watched, Walter.

WALT
Oh, thanks! Only... Why were you crying, Miss Eleanor? I was just saying that maybe you picked the wrong story. I mean, I’ve never heard of freeawesomefreecopyrightfreeradioplays.free before, but I know there’s some nice ones at one-act-plays.com...

ELEANOR
I wrote it, Walter. I wrote it, okay?

WALT
Well, why didn’t you tell me, Miss Eleanor? That’s really cool!

ELEANOR
Because of people like you. Because of people who tell me the prose is unprofessional and
the characters are shallow and the dystopia isn’t believable. But they don’t know, Walter.
They don’t know anything. Walter, I put my heart and soul into this radio play.

WALT
Gee, Miss Eleanor, that sounds painful.

ELEANOR
My ex-husband and I used to go to dance halls like Sonya’s, when we were kids. He had a lot
of the same qualities as Brock Austin, and I had some similar qualities to Sonya. It was
all so perfect then, it was all wonderful. And then we grew up and got married and everything
was different. We drifted apart and got divorced. And he didn’t care about this radio
station. Didn’t care about the legacy that his father had built with radio dramas. He
promised me that this station would fail - and I have to prove him wrong! I just have to! But
I wanted to tell a story about what it was like when everything was perfect. About that
first step we took together. And I meant every word I wrote, Walter. I meant every word.

WALT
(clapping awkwardly) Good job, Miss Eleanor. I’m so sorry. It just wasn’t for me!

ELEANOR
No, I shouldn’t have expected you to understand, Walter. And maybe Mary did hate it. She isn’t here now...

WALT
...We should listen to what Poppy and Beibo and Conall are doing right now. Maybe they’ll convince Miss Mary to come back!

ELEANOR
I suppose that’s a good idea.

NARRATOR
Eleanor wiped her eyes, pulled herself together, and walked out of the break room. Walt handed her a mug of hot cocoa he’d made while they were in there, then rushed in the booth to help with the foley.

SFX: Zinny’s jazz music.

PHIL MERLOT
“The bouncer had seen the state I was in last
week, so he barely let me into Zinny’s.
Fortunately, he remembered how I had saved him
from a poisoned shot of absinthe planted by
his stepsister. We walked in and were about to
take a seat, when Mike Grigio, that sly jazz
trumpeter, yelled out at me-“

BEIBO/MIKE
“Hey Merlot! Think ya have enough street cred to hold your head high in here? I saw you
goin’ door to door in the business district the other day!”

PHIL MERLOT
“Felicia Syrah, the background singer, had the gall to pipe up, too.”

POPPY/FELICIA
“That’s right! You were all starched up and stiff, my girlfriends saw you! You were trying to get them to buy life insurance plans!”

BEIBO/MIKE
“If you’re thinking of filling in as a backup drummer again, you can forget it!”

PHIL MERLOT
“Don’t you have some music to play? Or something to invest your time into, rather than taunting this drunken PI?”

POPPY/FELICIA
“PI?! You don’t investigate anything, except how to make yourself more moolah! I even had a case for you, but I’m canceling it. You wouldn’t survive for a second on the mean streets of-“

SFX: Bang! Bang! Bang!

PHIL MERLOT
Oh no. A familiar figure walked in, holding the smallest and cutest gun possible. Callie Cabernet, cruel temptress and ruler of her own streetcar empire.           

ELEANOR
Well, this is different. I don’t get the sense that it’s really about Brock and Sonya, but
it’s not bad. Why are there so many wine puns?

JOE
I think it’s meant to be symbolic.

ELEANOR
Symbolic of what? That everyone in the story is an alcoholic?

BEIBO/CALLIE
“That’s right. It’s me, Callie Cabernet. Everyone drop and put your hands in the air - this is a stickup! I need bonzo bucks. The streetcars are running low on gas!” 

SFX: Chaos at Zinny’s, crowd sound. Thud as everyone drops to the floor. Bang!

PHIL MERLOT
Callie kept shooting the walls. Everyone dropped to the floor. Regrettably, that included the kiddos and me.

SONYA
“Streetcars don’t run on gas!”

PHIL MERLOT
“If you two time traveled here, now would be a good time to use your Wayseg or whatever you’re calling it and get us out!”

BEIBO/CALLIE
“Oh really, Phil Merlot? You little poser? Of course you want to run away!”

SONYA
“Why does everyone have it out for you? And we fell off our Segway!”

BROCK
“If we had our Segway, we’d be out of here by now! No thanks to you!

PHIL MERLOT
“None taken. Fine then- I guess I’ll have to sacrifice myself.”

SONYA
“Wait, what?”

PHIL MERLOT
I pushed myself to my feet, wobbling a little. “It’s me you want, Callie. Let everyone else go! I can give you the quick cash!”

BEIBO/CALLIE
“And anything else that suits me, too?”

PHIL MERLOT
“That’s right. Humiliate me. Make me a streetcar tour guide. Put me on the tracks and run me over.”

BEIBO/CALLIE
“I can’t believe door to door sellout Phil Merlot, who’s more familiar with the fear of lint on his pants than with getting biffed by a mafia boss, is trying to be the big hero.”

JOE
Huuh, no offense to the young wan, but I think me wife would do a wee bit better as th’ femme fatale.

ELEANOR
Where is she, Joe? You know, I did sort of have a panic attack before. All of my plans are completely ruined if you and Mary don’t sign off and invest!

JOE
Sure, I could sense you had a wee bit of anxiety. Unfortunately this won’t be the first time someone’s dreams have been destroyed by the legendary Mary.

ELEANOR
Is that right? I suppose I should have known that before I pinned the whole station on her! Who else did it happen to?

JOE
(chuckling) Me! Donkey’s years ago. It’s all Heineken in the gutter now.

ELEANOR
What?

JOE
What do Americans call it? Huuh, water under the bridge.

PHIL MERLOT
“Your taunts are no skin off my nose, Callie. Will you let them go already?” But then - someone else burst out of the back door to Zinny’s.

POPPY/LENORA
“Phil Merlot? I just knew you’d be here.”

PHIL MERLOT
It was Lenora Martinelli, my employer and San Francisco’s finest stick in the mud. She wore an emerald green pantsuit and a grimace.

POPPY/LENORA
“Phil, you skipped out of work again. Do you want to be back on the street?”

PHIL MERLOT
Callie continued holding me at gunpoint. “Lenora, you may be able to tell we have a situation here.”

ELEANOR
Wait... “Lenora”? “My employer”? I’m wearing a green pantsuit and-

JOE
And a grimace. It all lines up!

ELEANOR
Joe, did Conall write this one?

JOE
He sure did! Don’t take it too harshly. I heard the best writers write from what they know!

ELEANOR
 I- well I suppose that can be true. But they don’t distort it!           

JOE
I’m more impressed with the name Lenora Martinelli! While everyone in the bar is an
alcoholic beverage, she’s only fizzy, sweet, boring apple juice!

ELEANOR
Fantastic. 

POPPY/LENORA
“Yes, Phil, you have a situation. And it’s the kind of situation that gets you absolutely no money. Will you stop being a hero and go back to work please?”

BEIBO/CALLIE
“That’s right, Phil, get out of my hair and let me take these people’s cash. And maybe kill some of them.”

PHIL MERLOT
“You don’t understand, Lenora, I have to save these kids! Brock and Sonya!”

BEIBO/CALLIE
“That’s not right at all. In fact, I agree with little Lenora. You were meant to be an insurance salesman. Pleading for money, being an annoyance, and representing buttoned-up institutions of the past. So unless you renounce your life as a PI forever and go with Lenora, I’ll kill the bim - Sonya!! 10... 9...”

SFX: Clock sound that continues throughout Callie’s countdown.

SONYA
“Me? Why would you kill me?”

BEIBO/CALLIE
“You’re just a bargaining chip - a pretty one."

BROCK
“Don’t hurt Sonya! Take me instead!”

ELEANOR
What is Conall doing? “Buttoned-up institutions of the past”?

JOE
It’s a great story! What’ll happen to Sonya?

ELEANOR
But does Conall really see me like that?

PHIL MERLOT
This was the kind of sacrifice I hadn’t prepared for. To never be a PI again? Detective work was why I still made the effort to keep breathing.

BEIBO/CALLIE
“6...5... Tick tock, Merlot.”

SFX: BANG!

BEIBO/CALLIE
“That was another warning shot.”

PHIL MERLOT
I was frozen in selfish self-doubt. My legs moved forward and back as time ticked on.

POPPY/LENORA
“Phil Merlot! You idiot! Come to the job you’re actually good at, with me, Lenora Martinelli!”

ELEANOR
Oh, that’s definitely supposed to be me.

PHIL MERLOT
But I couldn’t do it.

BEIBO/CALLIE
“3...2...1. Time’s up, Merlot.”

SFX: BANG!

SONYA
AAAAAGH!

BROCK
SONYA! NO! How could you, Phil?

PHIL MERLOT
“I - I just don’t know...”

JOE
Wha-? I never thought the lad would- Did he just kill Sonya off?

ELEANOR
He cannot kill Sonya off! And- Phil couldn’t go and work with Lenora? Am I that repellent? I’ve heard enough!

JOE
Huuh, me too! First Mary leaves, and now the poor lassie is going to die just like in Romeo an’ Juliet, the worst play of all time? Do you mind if I cause a ruckus, Eleanor?

ELEANOR
Not at all!

NARRATOR
Joe barged into the booth and stood in front of the microphone, holding a piece of paper from his notebook, as Conall looked on in surprise.

JOE
Luv! If you’re still listening to this, I know that Sonya can’t be dead, just like I know that our love is still alive! It may be strugglin’ a bit, but its heart is still beatin'! Come back to the station, luv! Here’s a little song I wrote for ya - I call it Me Old Segotia.

NARRATOR
I, Petunia Stonebury, can report that Mary and I were still at the mall, along with the other fans - Katy, Maximiliano, and Victor! We tried our best to please her, but unfortunately she had listened to KOLD in the car and was trying to tune in while at the mall. I suppose to her, the shamrocks are always greener on the other side...

KATY
Mary, it’s an honor to carry your bags! Can I ask you- what’s your favorite song on your very first album?

MARY
No, scram off! Me iPhone isn’t working right - I’m tryin’ to hear about what happened to Sonya on the KOLD! An’ I’ve answered enough questions about when I was 18. Victor, is it?

VICTOR
Uh, yes?

MARY
Are you the one what brought me the Unicorn Frappuccino? After the Irish Cream drink, which was right yummy?

VICTOR
Yes my adored Mary! Can I ask you-

MARY
It was warm when it was supposed to be frosty, an’ it tasted like the blue Jolly Ranchers! I’m afraid your time with me has gotta come to an end.

VICTOR
Oh.

MARY
An’ you, Maximiliano?

MAXIMILIANO
Yes? I just want you to return to Pagan Female-

MARY
That’s exactly the problem, isn’t it! Pagan Female was bloody awful! It was all warmed- over, slowed down versions of the songs I love, the songs I later re-recorded in a much improved form, may I add, an’ we had to prance around like we were at a tea party!

MAXIMILIANO
Seriously?

PETUNIA
Wasn’t that part of the fun of it all, though, Mary?

MARY
An’ worse of all, it was all about the “traditional beauty”, wasn’t it? Meanin’ young an’ skinny girls only, which is a gruesome vision of beauty. They would never allow a woman over 35 in that group, even if she was actually the ghost of an ancient Irish princess! So no, I’m not coming back!

MAXIMILIANO
You aren’t? Wow, I’d never heard of any of that...

MARY
I’m doing something new with my career! I’m just not, as yet, quite sure what it is!

KATY
We had all planned to convince you of the Pagan Female plan! The idea that you would return!

MAXIMILIANO
It was really Petunia’s idea though...

PETUNIA
Yes. It was. I believed that you would be able to act and sing like your old self, Mary! I believed you could turn back the clock, if you just tried hard enough...

MARY
Well, that’s bolloxed stupid. Get out! All of you!

NARRATOR
We all ran away to the Hot Dog On A Stick stand and ate our sorrows away. Except... I ran back. Only I was willing to risk my reputation on this. I wasn’t afraid of being cursed out by my hero. At least it would mean a few more seconds near her.

MARY
Why are you back? It seems my fans are as bleedin’ stubborn as my husband! Or worse! You don’t understand reality...

PETUNIA
Mary, Pagan Female would take you back, I know it! You just might have to... y’know, get some plastic surgery?

MARY
You’ve gotta be codding me! I appreciate myself, even though it’s bloody hard sometimes. And Joe would never accept that there’s anything wrong with me, just the way I am.

PETUNIA
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you! Quite the opposite - you’re perfect! But I think the world deserves to hear you more loudly! You deserve to be a brilliant star and affect their lives like you’ve affected mine! And the only way that’ll happen - is if you seem younger, with a higher voice...

MARY
I appreciate yer kindness, but you’re bein’ an eejit. I wish I hadn’t lost those notes either, but- you’re forgettin’ about everything I gained! Experience, skill, wisdom an’ lower notes, which can be valuable when you’re coverin’ Adele songs an’ completely knockin’ em out of the park!

PETUNIA
...I want to hear those Adele songs. Oh, Mary, I’m so sorry!! I just love your music so much and I want to hear it forever, and yes - I do wish you could keep hitting the highest note on “Siul a Ru’n”! But you’re right! It’s just a different stage of your life! Would you possibly be interested in me writing your biography? The authorized version? I won’t ever give any more suggestions on your career path - I promise to only listen!

MARY
Hmm.. I’ve been wonderin’ who my biographer is gonna be, but I was thinkin’ more like a name. A Stephen King, Nora Roberts type. Maybe this is better though- your name won’t get in the way- Wait, I think me iPhone is finally pickin’ up the broadcast!

JOE
Come back to the station, luv! Here’s a little song I wrote for ya - I call it Me Old Segotia. Me ould segotia, me ould flower Me love, our love will never sour We be old, we may be grey But I’ll be with ya, luv, day after day Even when we scream, even when we yell Our love is timeless, an’ that’s awfully swell...

MARY 
Aww, isn’t he the biggest romantic, the eejit. Get the car goin’, Petunia. We’ll talk about the authorized biography on the way!

NARRATOR
Back at the station...

ELEANOR
Conall? First - thank you, that was an interesting and non-embarrassing radio drama. Second - what in the world are you thinking?! Killing off Sonya?

CONALL
No, no, you see, that’s a misdirection. She isn’t dead.

ELEANOR
Well how would we ever know that?

CONALL
When I tell you she isn’t, in the next section. It’s meant to be a hook, Eleanor.

ELEANOR
But you won’t be writing the next section.

CONALL
Why? I have an inkling that you’re upset about something else.

ELEANOR
Yes. Alright. Fine. I know radio plays are personal - mine was personal. I don’t want to get into all of this, but I wrote the Amazing Adventures of Brock and Sonya before- 

POPPY
Wow, I didn’t think you were the kind of person who wrote...

CONALL
Yes, of course you did.

ELEANOR
I know you’re shocked-

CONALL
I’m not. You were even more uptight than usual about that script.

ELEANOR
ANYWAY - radio plays are personal, but Conall, do you really feel like Phil Merlot? Like Lenora is some controlling, boring boss who wants you to give up everything you actually like to make money? 

CONALL
...In a nutshell. I’m pleased that you finally understand.

ELEANOR
Understand? No, I’m far from understanding- when was I ever that harsh? And I think I’m a fun boss-

CONALL
Do you remember my band? Skratched Esophagus, with a K?

ELEANOR
Oh.

CONALL
You said they could never play on the show. My ridiculous punk band. Technically they’re post-punk, but you couldn’t tell the difference. It didn’t fit with the vibe or audience of the show, and you hate punk music. Eleanor, I grew up with this station, and I was born with this voice. The perfect radio voice. I had no choice in the matter! I’ve always wanted to tear up the stage and live my truth. To be around my wild people! But they started laughing me out of clubs once they recognized my speaking voice. This job destroyed my street cred.

ELEANOR
Oh no.

BEIBO
Oooh, that hits hard. The danger of the side hustle.

CONALL
Skratched Esophagus is just barely hanging on now. Yes, I feel like Phil Merlot. Do I really have to decide between one or the other?

NARRATOR
Just then, the doors burst open yet again. Mary and I arrived!

MARY
Ta-da!

ELEANOR
Mary! Oh my gosh! I was worried sick!

PETUNIA
And me, I’m here too! Just not the other fans...

WALT
Miss Mary!

BEIBO
See? I was right!

MARY
It’s good to see all of you as well. But I’m really here for this bald old eejit.

JOE
Huuh, who is she talking about? Because I’m not old or bald! See all the hair on the back of my head? 

CONALL
I suppose it could be me.

MARY
Luv, you taught me to accept myself, so the least you can do is practice what you bleedin’ preach!

JOE
Huuh, fine. I’ll admit, I used a Sharpie on the back of my head this morning. But why are you back to see this old bald fella? I thought I shouldn’t waste your time.

MARY
No, luv. All that time with th’ fans, which felt like an eternity, taught me that I don’t need people in my life who just do whatever I say. I need those who push back a little. Offer smart suggestions about me career an’ want me to embrace the future. I’ve called you a bloody awful manager many times, and often I’m right. But goin’ to KOLD wasn’t so awful. An’ even when you’re a banjaxed terrible manager, as a husband you’re really not that bad.

JOE
Really, luv?

MARY
Really. Really. Ah, y’know, luv...let’s have a song. Little laddie, fire up the keyboard an’ your rhythm section!

WALT
This is such a great day!!! I’ll just take your sheet music...

PETUNIA
Hey, Mary...

POPPY
Could we sing backup?

MARY
Well... ABSOLUTELY NOT! This is a pub tune for me an’ me ol’ fella only! You won’t be ruinin’ it with your opera style!

JOE
She has a map of auburn hair The bluest eyes with no compare Intelligence, that just holds you there And her laughter fills the evening air I smile at her just strolling there No need to hurry, no, not a care

JOE AND MARY
When I’m walking with me darlin’ When I’m walking with me love With my love

MARY
He has a heart of precious gold A picture rare now to behold When I’m walking with me love No need to hurry back to town We’ll get there in the end somehow When I’m walking with my love

JOE AND MARY
When I’m walking with me darlin’ When I’m walking with me love With my love Walking with my love When I’m walking with me darlin’ When I’m walking with me love With my love

WALT BEIBO POPPY  
Woo!! Encore! Beautiful! 

ELEANOR
What a heartwarming tune about the power of love! Mary... does this mean you’ll invest in the station now? I’ve been thinking about possible prices...

MARY
(laughing)  How many times do I have to tell you no, Eleanor? I was interested in that latest story of Phil Merlot, but it ended like a nightmare, an’ I can’t imagine you planned to kill poor Sonya Winters! You have to give it a good conclusion. You have to show me you have some followthrough an’ enough backbone to make your team tell the story you want to be told!

ELEANOR
...I see. 

MARY
An’ you’ve got some time to do it, because Joe an’ I are swanning back to Ireland to spend Christmas an’ Saint Stephen’s together.

JOE
Ah, that’s right we are. An’ Hanukkah, an’ the New Year’s Eve, an’ probably some other holidays I’m forgetting.

ELEANOR
All right then. It’s nice to have time. And to give everyone a break over the holidays.

NARRATOR
It looks like Eleanor can take a little breather while Mary and Joe go to decorate trees and cuddle by the fire. But next episode, we’ll check in with Poppy as she hosts “No Pseudoscience With Poppy” during the holiday season. In the following episode, the pressure will be on again as Eleanor must convince Mary and Joe that the station is a completely professional venture...and that she can finish any story she wants. With a satisfying conclusion. She swears. To hear about these epic stories - and to hear a holiday song that you won’t hate - stay tuned and download the next episode!